She's gonna wait..

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

good as ever, alhamdulillah :D

been fighting against my own self.

but ended up, hurting more.

and that's when i made this one decision.



to get these things over.

:)

i'm not giving in anymore, 'cause everytime i do, these things leave me nothing but tears. how sad, this crybaby gonna be forever the crybabyyy

just kidding :D

p/s : 2014 is coming, i'm feeling 23. well, sort of :p

Friday, December 27, 2013

manusia semakin pemalas

realiti zaman sekarang.

tengok je la teknologi sekarang. bukan nak salahkan teknologi... tapi, pada padalah.

contoh paling simpel.

waktu awal awal balik rumah for good, perasan ada satu perkakas dapur baru.

periuk macam rice cooker, tapi lagi canggih boleh masak bermacam macam jenis nasi, apam balik, or even lauk pauk, dalam masa.. 10 minit!

10 minit tu, kira paling ekspress la aku rasa, dah la main campak campak, tutup periuk dan tadaaa! ready to be served.

so kerja memasak dari jadi dua jam, tinggal 30 minit. dah mana tak jadi pemalas heh

tak masuk bab smartphones lagi.

ibu baru beli satu, and to my surprise, siap sign up for instagram dan whatsapp. sebab apa? whatsapp tu nanti GB nak bagi info senang, instagram tu boleh tengok update anak anak dan anak sedara. (in other words, STALKER ALERT!)

tapi ini takde kaitan dengan pemalas pun.

sebenarnya ada. bila dok serumah pun, ibu boleh whatsapp tanya, "Bila nak start masak ni?"

sebenarnya motif post ni, nak buktikan hipotesis, semakin tahun meningkat, manusia semakin pemalas.

tu je. kbai

Monday, December 16, 2013

what's wrong?

these few days, i have experienced severe headache and chestpain.

kepala berdenyut kemain. sakitnya.. tak boleh nak describe. eyes get blurry, mata cam berpinar-pinar for no apparent reason. and it happen only to the left side of the kepala.

chestpain? sometimes getting worse, sometimes getting better. depends. but still, it hurts so much just at that same point, the right side of the chest.

i wonder why. to go for check-ups is definitely a no. 'cause i've been doing good so far, and the symptoms are just not clear.

how two different person, matters.

Alhamdulillah, just got back from kuching. Family vacation i would say, even terpaksa pegi lambat due to the interview date yang clash dengan tarikh keramat itu. Tak keramat sangat ahhh kalau hari interview tu dah gelabah semacam, hek eleh. Boleh pulak buat malu depan pegawai, pegi silap bawak fail sape suruh -_-'

But this post is not about interview.

This post, is about how two different person, matters. Ecewah, kelas kau tajuk, haha

The last day was the most hectic. Separuh hari pegi serikin, shopping, walked for about 3kms, pegi balik pegi balik. Then rush back untuk packing. At 3 kena keluar dah dari accom, pukul 4 kena hantar kereta. And flight delay sampai pukul 8. and we were like.. delay? hmmm

Takpela. Pegi je airport, we decided to bag-drop, so that tak payah usung beg merata. There were 2 families; my family and Mak Ngah's family. We went to 2 different counters, and all went well so far. Sampai la at this one time, this female officer cakap dekat my family, "Oh, family cik tak dapat check-in lagi nih, this is too early, flight cik delay."

And i turned to the other family, they were doing their check-ins!

So i straightaway told her, "But that family boleh je? Diorang pun pegi penang jugak. What's the difference? Why we can't drop the bags yet?"

She replied, "Oh, sebab tu counter lain cik. Saya taknak susah susah."

And i was like... speechless to hear such reply!

Untuk mengelakkan sebarang kejadian yang tak dihingini, i decided maybe we should just pegi dekat this one corner, unpack the things (sebab exceed jugak waktu timbang) and just.. calm down.

A few minutes later, family Makngah pun datang. They asked, why can't we go check-ins yet? After explaining the situation in the most 'polite' way i can think of, they suggested for us to go to the counter yang diorang pegi.

Dan layanan this officer sangat tiptop!

Kitorang siap unpack depan counter, tanya macam macam pasal flight, and he even explained about claiming insurance untuk flight delay!

I can't help but to stress the 'so much' when i thanked him. "Thank you SO MUCH, SO MUCH!" for the differences that you've brought, officer. Hensem, boleh tahan ahhh. But the thing that you did, it was beyond awesome. Kalau semua orang dalam dunia boleh berkerja tiptop ceni, aman damai sejahtera sentiasa. Takdenye orang nak kata, "Eh, syarikat penerbangan A tu kerek ahhh! Service ntahpape! Dahla selalu delay, harap je the best low-cost airline, ever! Eh sape makan cili terasa pedas, uhuk uhuk"

Now, let's put this case to how we see Islam. Bayangkan, these two officers, dalam syarikat penerbangan yang bernama Islam airlines. The way they portray their own self sebagai the airlines' ambassador, how they interact with other people, etc. Can you see how two different person, matters?

I have seen those, and I realize, how small things like this can affect the big things, really. Fikir fikirkan, dan selamat beramal!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

more happy thoughts coming in :)

maybe it's time.

to move on :)

too much emotions, too much feelings in this space lately. it's not that i can't really get over all the problems. no.

the thing is, i'm the one who choose to think, and think and think, again and again.

overthinking orang tua tua cakap.

so, here's one of options i can think of; a new blog where nobody can find me :p

well, obviously i'm not that kind of person who really tells the whole world everything - the problems, etc. it's just, i feel there's a need for me to write it somewhere, to let go the negative thoughts and feelings.

i do believe, Allah is the best listener, yes, He is :) after all, He stays with me throughout the times - be it waktu susah or senang, He is always there. and thank you for this greatest blessing; for a great reminder that nobody's gonna stay forever, but just You. :)

so, here's to the old, cool blog -
you rocks! i know you always will, sebab ada tuan ceni kan :p i won't forget you, you keep me laughing so hard when i read the older posts, again and again! i never know i was that so-immature-young-teenager-yang-baru-nak-up, sort of :p well, kudos for the great job, not that i won't visit you anymore, definitely no :) maybe i'll still update here, from time to time, we'll see how it goes :p

p/s : let's just keep the happy, exciting updates coming up here, shall we? :) another blog, mungkin for another purpose. heh :p

senyum besaq besaq everyone, you need it so badly! (especially untuk orang orang monday blues hihihi)

Saturday, December 7, 2013

sabar, selagi boleh.

people may look at us in different ways, sometimes mungkin the way we never expect them to see.

bila ditanya first impression, most of them may say something that is totally out of your mind.

in my case, yes.


doakan. sebab ada masanya, mungkin orang nampak kita happy, kita senyum.

walhal dalam hati, toksah nak kata.

kerana aku juga punya hati.


the worst is, rasa nak give up tu sama banyak dengan rasa nak fight balik. cuma masih fikir hormat dan sayang. cuma masih ada rasa percaya dengan Tuhan. cuma..

cuma mampu cengeng dan terus cengeng. dua puluh tiga dan masih?

ya, dua puluh tiga dan masih cengeng. maaf, buang masa baca.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

what a day

today.. i just can't describe what i've gone through, today.

a lot.

my day started early today, i went to see the doctor. lepas subuh gerak pegi jetty ayah hantar, dari jetty naik ferry dengan ibu, sampai terus berkejaran mencari bas paling awal untuk ke hospital. kenapa? kerana pasti ramai manusia di hospital kalau lambat tiba. to cut the story short, yes, it went well, smooth, mesra cekap dan betul. mata bengkak after kena titis ubat, dan sepanjang perjalanan pulang (naik bas, naik feri), my vision was blurred. like sangat blurred.

which cause.. headache.

then.. waktu atas feri, got the highlighted news of all; interview dates are out! and me being nervous and couldnt go online, so i asked my other friend to check for me. and it happened to be just right, as what i've expected.

my turn would be on 12th! this coming 12th, which clash dengan tarikh vacation 3 famili ke kuching sarawak dengan tourist guidenya... me.

with all the unsettled things; bookings, places to visit, dengan study untuk interview ke bulan tak sampai sampai pun ilham, headache bertambah teruk. everything's in a great mess. and all i could think of was; why me?

:(

along the way, i couldn't stop but to think. tears, tak payah cakap. i really, really tried my best, untuk tidak merungut. but i failed.

it was then when ibu tiba tiba bersuara.

"Allah takkan uji kalau Dia tak sayang."

automatik, empangan pecah serta merta. (tapi cover dengan shades la yang pasti, less obvious kan)

the rest of the case, let me keep it to myself. just to let you know, kadang kadang kita lupa, kita ni hamba je. dan Allah ada perancangan paling baik untuk mengingatkan kita, siapa hamba siapa Tuan.

"Ujian tu, nak uji kita ada iman atau tak. As simple as that."

Thursday, November 28, 2013

a few words just before i leave

i shouldnt be here at the moment, it's almost ten and having the chestpain, i should have gone to bed.



just few words, who knows, this could be the last words.

thank you, and sorry.

for all the things ive done wrong,
for the things i couldnt make it,
for the broken promise/s,
for the useless advice i gave to you,
for the time spent listening to me chatting,
for the headache/s i've given you in dealing with problems,
for almost, every thing, every single thing.

thank you, and again, sorry.

to everyone.

Monday, November 25, 2013

lost

exactly a week sebagai penganggur, i could say my life is boring. as ever.

seminggu tak sentuh langsung laptop, online through phone, do housechores, keluar teman ibu untuk lawatan lawatan sosial beliau, pegi kenduri, just.. name it. and i still feel the emptiness inside me.

lama lama ceni boleh mengundang bahaya. bukan apa, takut takut nanti makin tak ketahuan bila dapat keroje, dengan dah berakaq kat ghumah, dia mula mai perasaan nak duduk bawah ketiak ibu ja. -_-'

lagi haru, bila jumpa orang dah start tanya, "La ni dok buat apa?"

=.='

kadang kadang, penat pikiaq ja. thoughts are everywhere, even dalam bilik ayaq pun boleh dok pikiaq masalah dunia. bila dah getting overwhelmed dengan thoughts tu yang jadi payah. benda tak jadi lagi dah risau macam macam. masalah hat boleh pikiaq esok, dok gaduh pening kepala harini. haru sungguh jadi orang besaq.

to be honest, i'm that kind of person who really needs a booster / boosters to get started on anything. for now, i could feel the low self-motivation in me; i am less productive, i tend to overthink too much, i always overlook the strength within me, cepat rasa penat and feverish, i just need a booster or more.

i am lost in my own thoughts. please find me, thank you.

Friday, November 8, 2013

hold on a little bit, dear self :(

i have been holding on for too long. too long sampai dah rasa biasa, dah get used.

but this time.. no. i can't take it anymore. even if i do, it is just pretending to be all good.



the fact that... i fail to get myself sabar with this :(

oh ya Allah, bantulah hambaMu ini bertahan, sampai minggu depan je. minggu depan je :(

the ending sepatutnya cantik, but for this... i just want to end this so badly. just, this. :'(

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

an experience i will never forget.

i've been through lots of things, but these two days.. really, really something that i've never thought of.

3rd nov.
sebagai seorang pemandu (yang tak tegar sangat), i drove my friends back to their home after a short meet-up. on my way back, as i was driving very carefully (i must say!), tetiba ter-lalu di satu traffic light yang suka bikin cemas. this traffic light, ada sejarah screeching sound dengan this driver. always, always selalu brek mengejut sebab lampu oren secara mengejutnya appear. and it happened again this time, which led to an emergency brake.

and everything happened so fast that i could hear something's crashing at the back of my car. i could feel the car is moving ke depan sikit, macam spring tahu? my face went pale, i didn't really know what to say, just istighfars.

a few seconds after that, through my side mirror, i could see another car bumped into the car behind. and the impact was even worse! i could see the penutup enjin went remuk, sangat teruk, and i was like... speechless! oh maiii, what have i done this time?!? dengan duit makan tinggal rm30, and that's all i had for the rest of the week, i just couldn't think straight.

when i got to see the two drivers keluar and had a look at their cars, i tried to remain calm. "Okay, pegi setel cepat cepat, it's not your fault, you're doing it right. Lampu oren memang patut get ready to stop, you just did the right thing, Qistina."

I talked to them about what really happened, and alhamdulillah, it took just few minutes to get things settled. my car looked okay, no scratch, nothing, it looked perfectly good as ever. so, i went home, with a mixed feeling, obviously shaking throughout the driving. post-trauma i would say, i was like di awang awangan, people talked to me, but i couldn't respond appropriately as my mind still wandered thinking about the incident.

that night, i drove my friend to the masjid. and the car made sound, weird sound that was really, really disturbing. :( so we checked the condition of the car, and we found out that the back bumper termasuk dalam and sangat sangat dekat dengan tayar. could be the impact after the crash.

kepala serabut balik. i didn't mind if i've got the money, seriously.. but having zero knowledge about cars, i didn't know what to expect then. alhamdulillah, a friend of mine ada cousin yang pandai baiki kereta, so straightaway we went to him.

mungkin Allah nak permudah segalanya, it went well after that. kereta dapat dibaiki, and the cost was less than rm 50.

the trauma is still there, mungkin tak seteruk pas accident, but yes. i can still remember the feelings, and betapa terketar ketarnya the whole body right after the accident.

teringat this one quote. "In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed."

:(

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

bawah.

makin nak habis final year, makin pemalas.

the motivation to start writing my academic reflection, is just not there. yet.

i don't know what keeps me procrastinate. too many things in ma head, too many things to be done, yet so little time left. and i'm still here, buang masa dengan blog yang hanya menanti masa.

i'm losing ma grip.




a booster is all i need at the moment.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

just 2 minutes.

alhamdulillah, last week marked the end of my practicum. :)

happy yet sad, indeed it was a great experience to be in school for that 3 months. how time flies!

so now, i'm left with (plus minus) one month. inshaAllah, will be back for good this coming 18th, teheee!

in the meantime, will be quite busy with lots and lots of event coming, dinner sampai dua kena attend, camping BIG wajib final year, series of meetings with the lecturers and course coordinator, well. i guess one month tu macam a blink of eye je nanti.

whatever it is, final year cuma tinggal the final month. and then i'll be free, free like a bird! eh bukan, free like a penganggur should it be :p

plus, keep the positive you everyday, qistina. why? lately nih pegi kedai je, "Terima kasih KAK, nanti datang lagi ye." tak pun, "KAK nak order ape?" mungkin dah ada kedut kedut stress kot kat muka. dah hilang seri awet (awek) muda dah :(

till then, more updates coming soon! (ecececey macam ada orang baca blog picisan ceniii, booo!)

take care pepol, all good inshaAllah :)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

uji.

tak tau nak cakap nak rasa apa sekarang.

rasa macam sedang diuji dengan tahap paling hebat pernah dapat seumur hidup 22 tahun ni.

pernah tak rasa, macam tak tau nak describe apa apa pun? at one point, i just want to give up life, just that. and i mean it very well now. i just.. don't care.



rasa penat sangat. dealing with emotions, dengan nak fikirnya lagi. too many things going on. and when this happens, the only thing i could think of is home. :(

tahan sikit je lagi, qistina :(

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

budak suka senyum

i'm left with 8 days for practicum, weehu!

just a random post about this one student. this kid, i name him Kid A. seriously, selama dua bulan i've been teaching them, the only thing yang dia buat is just... sengih like seriously, sengih all day long. tak pernah tengok sehari atau satu minit dia bermuram durja, can you imagine that? mungkin masa mak dia mengandungkan dia, hormon gembira itu melimpah ruah, mungkin.

and one day, secara tak sengaja, cikgu terfikir satu approach classroom management. "The Military Approach" i would call it.

Teacher : Okay now, here, in front of you is no longer Miss Qistina. Here, is Commander Qistina. Now everyone, if I'm the Commander, who should you be? SOLDIERS, stand up, in line! One straight line! No talking, no smiles, muka kena serius! Ada ke askar senyum senyum?

Kids : TAKDE CIKGU!

Teacher : Good. Now, cikgu akan lalu depan kamu, siapa yang masih main main, cikgu panggil keluar barisan. Askar kena muka garang, siapa senyum... (the teacher's eyes caught this kid still smiling, sengih macam kerang busuk) HAAA, KAMU. Why are you still smiling? Cikgu cakap apa tadi? Askar boleh senyum ke?

Kid A : *still smiling* errr, cikgu... Errrr. Cikgu, tak boleh la cikgu...

Teacher : WHY YOU CAN'T? (masih boleh tahan gelak)

Other kids : Sebab.. Dia memang tak boleh kalau tak senyum cikgu. Dia memang ceni cikgu. Tak dapat buat apa apa.

Teacher : Okay, kamu cikgu maafkan. Cuma kamu jangan cakap, senyum nampak gigi je. Jangan ada suara, boleh?

Kid A : *masih senyum*

Agaknya cikgu kalau nak marah, tak boleh depan kamu. Nanti marah cikgu terbantut. Haha

Plus minus 2 weeks left, kids. Teacher makin sayang nak tinggal kamu wuwuw

Sunday, September 29, 2013

lost focus.

They say time heals.

Naaah, I just want to get these things over. 2 minggu, 10 hari pegi sekolah, 7 lesson plans, 2 bulan kat sarawak, I just want to go back home as soon as possible. It's not because I don't like it here or what, cuma.. I don't know. It feels so wrong kadang kadang, perasaan yang.. I just want to end this, that's it.

An interesting conversation with a friend of mine,

"Aku tengah cuba nak faham hang. Waktu hang nangis, waktu hang sedih. Tapi tak dapat jugak nak faham, tak nampak reasons kenapa nak kena sedih."

"Don't try then, because it's just the feeling that I cannot describe. Just, don't."

At times like that, the best thing to offer; a sincere hug with no words, that is all.

"Allah desires that He should make light your burden, and man is created weak." (4:28)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

all good

everything looks so confusing.

who cares, anyway. not their problem.

we have something that we always take for granted. and this time..

i just don't get it.

:(

i just want to be home, peluk ibu kuat kuat, and burst into tears. now.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

How the teacher really feels.

3 weeks to go for prac, and i don't really know what and how to feel at the moment.

dulu time memula prac bukan main lagi countdown hari nak habis. biasa la, manusia mana reti bersyukur. ekhem

Yesterday was the longest day i've ever had at school. Kelas mula 0830, observation dari mentor sejam, pastu sit-in (cikgu ganti untuk kelas takde cikgu) another half an hour. then, Sejam lagi, untuk cover cikgu tak dapat masuk kelas sebab nak buat coursework. So ended up, dua jam setengah non-stop in that class, sampai cikgu ni pun mati kutu nak buat hapetahhh lelama ceni haaa

Dari the real lesson belajar pasal numbers, games pasal numbers, games keluaq topik dari numbers, origami, you name it. Cikgu siap mintak kebenaran makan dalam kelas lagi huahuahua. Punya cikgu jenuh pikiaq apa laaa nak buat dengan bebudak ni.

At one point, cikgu pun decide, "Okay, it's time to break the news!"

Cikgu : Okay semua. Cikgu akan pindah sekolah lagi 3 minggu. *muka excited habis*
Murid A : Alaaa cikgu, cikgu janganlah pindah. Jangan pindah eh cikgu, jangan eh?
Cikgu : Eh, mana boleh, cikgu kena balik sekolah cikgu. Cikgu dekat sini sekejap je. Mana boleh lama lama kat sini.
Murid B : Tapi cikgu baik, kami nak cikgu ajar kami.. Sampai habis.
Cikgu : *mata berkaca kaca tapi masih cover line* Mana bolehhh, cikgu kan selalu marah marah kamu. Kamu suka ke, cikgu yang suka marah marah kamu?
Murid A : Kalau cikgu yang marah, kami sukaaaa!
Cikgu : !#$^!#^*&#!^!%#^%!*&

"Nanti kami nangis cikgu." Takpe, kita nangis sesame eh? Cikgu sayang kamu jugak, cikgu nak kamu jadi orang. Bukan beruang, bukan haiwan, bukan. Jadi orang yang berguna ye sayang cikgu.

Cikgu akan rindu kamu. :(

Monday, September 16, 2013

gettin' real.

Last night was the hardest. But never mind..


You're doing good, just good. :)

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Funny moments with ze kidzzz

I didn't know that teaching these kids is really, really fun and intewesting, seriously. (I mean it!)

We were once kid, tapi these kids... are really getting on my nerves! Haha

Tak boleh nak expect apa yang diorang fikir, apa yang diorang nak tanya, apa respons diorang when we ask questions, and stuffs like that.

Just wanna share few situations when dealing with thoseee monk-kids, EKHEM haha

Situasi pertama :

Cikgu tengah berleter depan kelas sebab kelas sangat bising (classroom management cikgu memang dah kelaut and this was the last resort haha), well trying to psycho these kids dengan luahan hati seorang cikgu.

Cikgu : Kamu nak belajar ke tak ni? Kenapa kamu buat cikgu macam ni? Cikgu dah la tak sihat, sakit tekak lagi. *open her drinking bottle and drink* (Sambung berleterrrrzzzz, bla bla and more blas)

Kid A : Cikgu! *angkat tangan*

Cikgu : Haaa, dah kenapa angkat tangan? Cikgu tengah marah ni, nak tanya apa lagi? (with serious look)

Kid A : Oh tak, cikgu lupa tutup botol air, nanti lalat masuk.

Cikgu : *garu kepala* (taktau patut gelak guling guling atau sambung ceramah psiko, sebab rasa macam cikgu yang ter-psiko zzz)

Situasi kedua :

Cikgu tengah marah lagi kat depan, this time sebab Kid B misbehave dalam kelas. He was doing something else, sepatutnya dia pay attention and do MY work.

Cikgu : Kamu tak sayang cikgu keee? Kenapa kamu taknak buat keja cikgu? Kalau kamu sayang cikgu, kamu tak buat ceni. Kamu nak cikgu pindah ke? Boleh, cikgu pindah esok kalau kamu nak. Kamu nak cikgu pindah? (psycho je ni, praktikum cuma akan habis dua bulan lagi)

Other kids : NAK!

Cikgu : KAMU NAK CIKGU PINDAH??!? (Seriously budak budak ni...?? Memang jujur sangat dah ni tsk tsk)

Other kids : EH takkk cikgu. Takkkkk HEHEHE

Cikgu : !@#$%@^%!#%^!

Situasi 3

Cikgu tengah marah sebab dah frustrated habis dah dengan kelas bising, suara cikgu tenggelam terus. So, cikgu try untuk chill dan biar diorang sengap dulu.

Cikgu : Dah? Semua dah behave dah? Jadi good boy dengan good girl?

Kids : Dah miss.

Cikgu : Cikgu taknak la marah kamu, sebab bila cikgu marah, macam singa. Kamu tahu singa marah macamana..?

Kids : *GELAK SEGHUPA DUNIA INI MEREKA YANG PUNYA, CIKGU NAK MARAH PUN TAK SAMPAI HATI HISH*

Cena la cikgu tak sayang kat hangpaaaa oiii, time cikgu takdak mood, hangpa bagi cikgu senyum. Time cikgu down sorang sorang, hangpa bagi cikgu gelak kukekuke. Hmphhh, 4 weeks to go, cikgu shall embrace every moments with you!

p/s : Well, that's just a few bits of it. Will share more next time, stay tuned :p

Friday, September 13, 2013

Can't wait.

Hard to believe i'm saying this, but.. yeah. I can't wait to reach the finishing line.

I don't want to say much about my life at the moment, well you can't really feel the exact thing I've gone through all this while.

Everything is so complicated that I myself don't really know what to think anymore, but to leave it to Allah.

Sometimes, rasa nak give up trying is just there.

But to think it in a way that yes, I can't really change the situations, the conditions or whatever problems I have, I realize that "Hey, the way you see it, that matters, you know."

Too much to complain, but have you ever thought about being thankful for all the things you have taken for granted? At least, you've got something to be thankful for.

Count your blessings, qistina, not your problems.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

not in her best shape

these few days were really not my days.



it is quite frustrating to see how i'm trying hard to fit in, and things just don't go the way it should be.

expectations really kill, yes?

home could be the best place for me now. 5 minggu lagi, teacher. semangat sikit, please.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

a blessing in disguise.

Ups and downs, that's life.

The biggest lie is when you says, "I am all good, everything is fine. Everything falls to the right places." Yes, that's just... nonsense.

The real thing is, you cry, you wipe away the tears, put on smiles, and the cycle keeps repeating again and again.

It shows, you're living the life the way it should be. The ups and DOWNS, remember?

"Ujian Allah tak beri kalau Dia tak sayang."

See things dengan kacamata Islam, please. Then only you know, that even the slighest trial Allah give to you, is actually a blessing in disguise.

True story. *tanda aman*

Sila, sila teacher, sila kembali ke bisnes utama.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

semangat yang hilang

selepas 2 minggu cuti raya, penulis sudah selamat tiba di perantauan.

as usual. feeling-feeling pas cuti ni, dia punya rasa... serupa nak ulang balik momen sebelum cuti, boleh?

cuti raya kali ni, secara konklusinya, lain dari yang lain. feeling nak raya tu tak berapa nak ada macam dulu dulu time muda belia remaja. setakat feeling seronok jumpa sedara kengkawan, nak masuk dapuq, standard ah kot untuk anak perantau ceni.

tapi feeling tak best sikit ah, bila miss mini reunion time kenduri kawen schoolmates. rasa macam serupa dah tua satu pasai, rasa left out lagi sepasai. hmmmph nasib anak perantau memang ceniii

whatever it is, hidup di bumi Sarawak, tinggal lagi 3 bulan. kemon qistina, 3 months is not that long. 3 months and you're unofficially graduated for degree. (which means "Selamat Tanam Anggur!")

tolong semangat sikit boleh dakkk, teacher? hmph.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

the hectic life awaits.

entahla. for some reasons, i don't feel quite right being me at the moment.

teaching and me, we never really get along that well. that was how i look back then, during my first week of practicum. i had the guts that i'm not going to survive this future - teaching, obviously just because tears kept rolling on the cheeks for quite few times. stressful, fatigue, expectations, yes. they were all the reasons for me not being confident at all. (and skinnier, i can feel diameter tangan makin berkurang)

until last thursday.

kali ketiga masuk kelas dan mengajar, i could feel this is about to end soon. hopeless, frustrated, just name it. all the negativity has taken me, for the fact that i aimlessly masuk mengajar those young children. up to this point, sometimes terlupa niat sebenar nak jadi cikgu. i kept asking to myself, "All this, nak impress sape sebenarnya? Lecturer? Guru pembimbing? Atau sape?"

and that's when the guru pembimbing told me something that "Seriously, you're saying that to me?!". selalunya lepas mengajar, i'll consult the guru pembimbing straightaway, just to ask for feedbacks and any improvement yang kena buat for the next lesson. but that day, she told me something different.

"I really admire your passion, your love to teach. I can see that you're adapting, well at least you're still trying, right? One thing I learn from you is you're so hardworking. I can tell that you are going to be the teacher who students will look up to, definitely."

and i was all.. speechless.

throughout my whole life, this is (so far) the one and only sincere comment made by this one stranger, and yet it makes me realize, that no matter what, just keep trying. no matter what. 'cause after all, buat semua ni sebab apa?

Allahu. :(

serius, rasa macam fake je, bila madam comment macam tu. because we know what we are doing, kita tahu takat mana kita dah usaha. and yet, people may see us in different ways (which mungkin kita tak rasa pun kita buat macam tu). and i know where i am standing now, what i have done so far. macam tak layak je dapat such inspiring comment camtu, yes, i do not deserve this madam.

but looking this at the bright side; are we going to let her think that way, and kita tak buat apa apa to prove that "Yes, I'm gonna be that kind of teacher,"? well, you can make a difference. yes, only you.

menginjak minggu ketiga, mohon doanya semoga apa yang madam katakan itu, itulah yang ada pada empunya diri. sebabnya, taknak la kan kalau orang bersungguh fikir kita ni paling penyabar, tapi the truth is.. bab complain nombor satu. T___T impression orang, kita nak jaga kan.. impression Allah? :'(

Thursday, July 4, 2013

the first week

to be honest.. sape cakap jadi cikgu senang, meh sini nak luku kepala sikit. hamboih ingat nak ajaq anak oghang serupa nak train parrot cakap ka?

at times, the thought of giving up tu selalu ada. sampaikan setiap hari, after school, ibu ayah akan call just to ask about how i was coping at school for that day. imagine, everyday.. just to ask, "How's your school today, teacher? Everything alright? Ni kat mana? On the way balik rumah? *gelak jahat*" that's Dad psycho-ing me, ergh. -___-

too many things to think of, really. being a teacher, seriously, seriously, seriously will never be an easy job, trust me.

"but with passion and love, you'll find it easier."

tengah cuba nak develop, tolong doakan, please?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

finally, it's final :)

it has been 4 days since the semester begins, and praise be to Allah, everything goes well so far.

memasuki semester 8, which indicates the 4th year, time really flies. most of rakan rakan sebaya, ramai yang dah grad, tengah kerja, tak kurang juga yang sedang menunggu kelahiran cahayamata. nampak permainan dia lagu mana? kalau standard orang dulu dulu, ini sudah boleh diconsider sebagai anak dara tua! okay, tak tua lagi qistina. 23 is just numbers, remember? okay abaikan kata kata makhluk ni.

frankly speaking, masa free untuk sem final ni takde ah banyak mana. packed dengan banyak outdoor events and programmes, serius. these two weeks, ada kursus pengurusan koko dan taklimat pre-practicum. the most highlighted event (ever!), mesti ahhh praktikum selama 3 bulan. 3 bulan tu, macam macam boleh jadi wei. nervous toksah habaq, tapi takpe. kita chill, lek lek luk. start 1 july sampai mid oct, memang busy dengan lesson plans, aktiviti sekolah, observations dari lecturers (gulp!), untuk 5 working days. nak free pun cuma weekends kot, tapi dengaq cerita sabtu hari koko sekolah. burn lagi sehari. maka, weekend cuma.. ahad. yeay! nampak tak kerja cikgu ni cena sebenarnya? dedikasi habis! (eh?!)

sekolah praktikum, well.. oh just nice. 30-45 minutes drive dari rumah sewa sekarang, the first impression; GB helpful, sekolah kecik (which means peluang untuk masuk kelas lagi banyak), and lokaliti dia, kawasan orang Bidayuh. kiri kanan gerejas, cuma jumpa 1 masjid along the way nak pegi sekolah. ayah memang dah pesan awai awai, "kamu jaga diri leklok, dok tempat orang lagu ni, satgi dok buat haru pulak, jenuh." ayah and his daddy's instinct. well, ayah.. this daughter of yours will be doing just fine, just fine with your duas, iA :)

then, lepas praktikum, a lot of stuffs coming in. dengan camping nya, program dental awareness lah, dinner(s), KISSM and the test, and many more scheduled programmes yang kena attend, that's gonna make the whole semester the busiest, ever. tak tahulah orang lain cena kan, but seriously, dah dapat rasa dah feeling feeling cikgu. aura tu takde ah lagi (pfffttt!), tapi last time waktu pegi sekolah ibu (my former primary school), cikgu cikgu situ mesti cakap.. "uihhh, dah besaq dah anak murid cikgu nih! dulu hingus hingus je, sekarang dah nak jadi rakan sejawat pulak." hingus hingus ni lemah ahh, rasa macam zaman persekolahan dulu selebet, selekeh dan sama waktu dengannya, errr.

entri kali nih panjangnya luar biasa sikit, bukan hape.. takut rindu kat tuan tanah je. yela, kan nak jadi "the busiest teacher ever", mana nak hupdate blog selalu dah pasni. entri emo emo tu, standard ah kot. haha

well oh well. mohon doanya, semoga dipermudahkan segalanya untuk semester ini. tak sabar rasanya nak masuk bulan november, kerana cuti 'panjang' bakal bermula, dan status akan bertukar menjadi.. penganggur! yeay :)

see you some other time, hearts! semoga semuanya baik baik saja, iA ;)

"Don't think too much, just don't. The busy life will keep you occupied."

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

words, please.

senyuman terukir, hanya di bibir.


biarlah, biar. biar hati itu terus menyimpan rahsia. kerana dia cuba untuk bahagia, meski hanya pura pura.

"Sabarlah duhai hati, cuba untuk memahami."

Friday, May 24, 2013

life, so far

alhamdulillah, yesterday marked the end of Term 7 (which means the final sem is coming, weehu!). attended a talk on i-Think programme (well, teachers' stuffs), and only realized that all the hardships have GONE. just imagine, dulu dok bebel bebel sangat pasal research, semalam dah dapat balik dah research project tu. exam result; finger-crossed please, since ze lecturers said like this, "By 29th, if you don't get any call or message from us, you are all safe (no fail). And then you all will call me on the 30th saying thank you for not calling you." okay madam, noted! hihi

another significant (Wow! word) upcoming agenda is our seniors' grad. mungkinlah takde terasa heksaitednye ohmaiii this is my day sambil mata bersinar sinar bak iklan innershine. but to think of it in a way that i'll be there, soon :) next year, around this time, i'll be graduating (supposedly kat putrajaya as they will have it there this monday), with Allah's willing. semoga ijazah yang akan diperoleh itu bermanfaat untuk diri, dan selainnya. happy graduating, seniors! this is it, the moment we the students have been waiting for :))

another major concern (for now, yes) is the fact that heyyy! practicum is coming so soon, y'all! cuti 3 minggu, and the first 2 weeks lepas cuti; will be full with lots and lots and lots of programmes and workshops, believe me. lepas the 2 hectic weeks, here comes the most awaited (errr, not so) part of the final year; PRACTICUM! 3 months you'll be at school, trying your best to adapt to the school environment, start practise etika perguruan and stuffs like that (errr) and be the teacher you wanna be. so future anak murids, please please please. jangan expect Miss Qis nak senyum masa minggu pertama, kedua or maybe the early weeks of the practicum, i'm not gonna tolerate any misbehaviours, hokayyy? (insert emoticon muka garang tapi trying to act cute though, lol) hey, i'm practising my classroom management skills, just so you know. :p

oh lupa. starting tomorrow, le familia will be here, in Kuching for five days. doakan semoga selamat dalam permusafiran, dan doakan jugak supaya this tourist guide takdela nak bawak diorang sesat jalan pastu "La... Ingat dok Sarawak lama dah, tau la jalan kot sini. Ni kena depends kat GPS, apecer der?" ini possible dialog ayah, haha.

will update more, soon! stay safe, take care and happy holiday-ing! (errr, applicable kepada guru guru, bakal guru, guru nak pegi praktikum next sem, dan anak murids, ehem! hihi)

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

keep dreaming,

and that's where everything starts.

:)

Monday, May 6, 2013

that same exact feeling when

penyakit yang sama berulang ulang. dah terbiasa, sampaikan the best way to get over it; tidur. bad qistina, bad huhu.

rabu ni final exam, the one and only paper left. but untuk cakap i have started doing the revision, that is just too mainstream.

fokus. doa. motivation.

those are the important things i need now. hope for a better nation, for a better qistina. eh.

"Allah won't give you more than you can bear. He might let you bend, but He won't let you break."
:'(

Friday, May 3, 2013

the end.

baru submit the final last assignment for this final year of degree last few days. pheww, what a relief. alhamdulillah, thanks be to Allah for making this journey worth fighting.

kalaulah Allah tak ilhamkan kekuatan tu, there's no way i could do this better. probably halfway, and quit, who knows. anything is possible with Allah's will, and for this, i believe i couldn't be any better than this tanpa izin Allah. :)


but to think about how i am going to end this year, i just don't know what to feel. mixed up; seronok sebab dah habis study lalu dewasa (lol!), sedih sebab i'm gonna miss these so soon, confused sebab a lot of things's going on, and many more feelings, just name it.

everything seems blurry and so serious when it comes to future. you never know what will happen there, but the thought always, forever gives you the chills.

the chills of you-don't-know-what-to-expect,-and-yet-you're-expecting-for-something-to-happen. and-yet,-you-still-want-to-expect.

expect the unexpected. it works both ways; samada you expect the unexpected and accept it for the sake of redha, and if you get something you expect, mesti redha dengan gembiranya.

the key word here is; redha. how to actually nurture that feeling redha, when you keep pushing it away, putting up so much hopes and expectations on things you think you can handle, when the real fact is; Allah is the best planner?

nak ada rasa redha tu, payahnya... hanya Dia yang tahu. masih mencuba, but at times like this.. i think i've failed for the zillionth times.

:(

Monday, April 29, 2013

"Kau sekolah mana dulu? Hah?"

hmmm. nak tahu satu benda random tak?

currently, i'm doing my research paper punya assignment. and out of nowhere, i open new tab kat google chrome and guess..?

type kat youtube; MRSM PDRM dan scroll sampai jumpa this video.

students mrsm pdrm form 5 06/07


serius. random. okay.

and then terfikir this one thing.

agak agak, kalau bagi video nih pastu buat kuiz "Masihkah kau ingat nama nama mereka ini?", kompem ada yang garu kepala.

memori habis nih der. kalau tak ingat jugak... sila luku kepala sendiri sambil berkata, "Kau sekolah mana dulu? Hah?"

EPIC.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

A cute zombie is looking for brains! Anyone? :p

words, are not enough to describe what is happening inside ma brain.

at this time, the thought of quitting can be quite disturbing, you know.
too tired to give up, too hardcore to stay the course. eh. mohon doa yang baik baik untuk penulis, pwetty pweaseee?

tak pernah sezombie begini. sampaikan nak tidur pun rasa serba salah, tahu? *tapi TERtidur jugak ah atas lantai depan laptop, heh*

takpelah. kalau qistina dah start bebel ceni, maksudnya takde ah dia zombie mana pun. habis kuat pun, eyebags dua ketul, otak tingtong weng weng, cakap merepek. macam dalam post ni. emergeeeed. what are you saying, qistina? say it again?

okay enough babbling, i need to save the words dalam kepala otak for research. jangan bazir semborono.

"Ujian hebat untuk orang hebat."

dok hebak sangat ah kalau mu dok stuck sini dok gerak gerak. mu gi cari brains nuh! -_-"

kbai. doa baik baik tau! jangan lupa, DOA! semoga Allah permudahkan urusan semua :)

"And seek assistance through patience and prayer, and most surely it is a hard thing except for the humble ones, Who know that they shall meet their Lord and that they shall return to Him." [2:45-46] <3

Friday, April 26, 2013

don't kebab.



dah hujung hujung sem ni, feeling dia lain macam sikit ah. entah, nak terang.. serba tak kena. serupa alah bisa tegal biasa. dah selalu sangat bergelumang dengan esaimen, sampaikan 1500 words tu standard buat 2 malam sebelum due date. bukan nak galakkan prokrastinasi dan sebagainya, bukan. cuma nak kata.. penat pikiaq esaimen, sampai kadang kadang tu tak rasa penat dah. rasa dah lali dengan last-minute work. i know this is not good, yes i'm aware of that. but frankly speaking, too tired to feel the penat.

and the fact that i tend to think too much at this period of time, really kills the entire me. rasa macam hopeless sangat bila fikir macam macam, and takde resolution, just.. fikir. maybe i need to get a good enough rest for a night, just to clear up my mind, maybe. but for sure not at this time.

sebab.. i've got 6000-words esaimens to be completed by Monday. 6000 tu, agaknya kalau muntah pun keluar words gamaknya. eh.

doakan okay! semoga Allah permudahkan urusan semua, iA <3 p/s : nak tengok kebab yang lazat? nah, tekan link nih untuk kebab yang enak lagi comel. eh.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

life ain't easy, you know!

when things are getting complicated, (life ain't easy, you know!) i have this one habit. this one weird (?) habit.

google gambar gambar scenery yang cantik, nature shots (especially laut, sungai, anything that has to do dengan air), foto foto abstrak yang cun, and guess? i'll imagine myself being there at that right moment, embracing the whole perfect harmony of nature and its beauty, and try to put meaning to the abstract photos (of course why not?, cakap jiwang heh)

this could be the best therapy for me (so far), even secara physicallynya you're not there (not that close!).

so, whenever i post anything/photos about nature, abstract, etc (as listed), that explains the state of my mind at the moment. which-you-know-what, eh.

to tell you the truth.. life ain't easy, you know! okay tagline lame, kbai.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

say only when you mean it.

i say words when i really mean them.

and when i say i do, i will always do, always. keep that in mind, and you shall never forget.

"..'cause she's awesome liddat, you know. to tell the truth, degil sebenarnya. blergh."

Friday, April 12, 2013

again and again

it happens again and again.

again and again, all i could ask for; pinjam kan kekuatan itu. kekuatan yang sama tara dengan ujian ini.

sungguh, saat ini baru terasa kerdilnya hamba ini. kerana hanya dengan sedikit ujian ini pun, merayu rayu meminta diberi kekuatan. apalah sangat nilai hamba yang tak reti bersyukur ni, kalau nak dibandingkan betapa ramainya lagi hamba yang hidup diberi ujian sentiasa, and yet masih menunaikan hak sebagai hamba itu?

kuat! and that's the most difficult word, after all. :(

Monday, April 8, 2013

somebody i used to know

selama almost twenty three years bernafas, jarang yang amat dia jatuh sakit. jarang, serius. habis teruk pun, sakit kepala. demam? susah yang amat.

but that was years back then.
sekarang dia tak fit macam dulu dah.

with aches all over the body and serious back pain too, it is hard to tell that she is having the time of her life now.

demam pun kadangkala menjengah, sakit kepala tu dah macam alah bisa tegal biasa.

"Everyone is facing the same thing too." "But the thing is, itu mereka. This is me, I know my own limits."

"Tapi Allah takkan bebani hambaNya dengan something yang dia tak mampu. Pernah dengar kan? Teruskan bertahan. Kuatkan semangat, pujuk diri jangan manja sangat. Jangan layankan sangat lemah lemah ni."

"Sungguh, kalau boleh share rasa ini, pasti yang mendengar tidak mahu. Kerana rasa itu sangat sukar hendak dirungkai, tersimpan rapi dalam hati. Tolong. Tolong doakan aku ya?"

dia tak tahu nak rasa macam mana. menurun, barangkali.

"Dan sungguh, Kami benar-benar akan menguji kamu sehingga Kami mengetahui orang-orang yang benar-benar berjihad dan bersabar di antara kamu; dan akan Kami uji perihal kamu." (47:31)

okay, dia memang patut nangis sekarang.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

twenty... err, twenty-what?

i was looking at the list for the convoi team yang pegi trip Satun haritu, when i spontaneously said "Errr, for real, this is happening?"

No. Kereta : P**8088
Nama : Incik Ayah (bukan nama sebenar) (53 tahun)
Puan Ibu (bukan nama sebenar) (54 tahun)
Qistina (nama sebenar) (21 tahun)
Eiein (bukan nama sebenar) (17 tahun)

okay, now spot the most pelik fact about the details.



get it?
i also get it maaa, lagi cepat than uols tauuu. sebab i was 2 years younger daripada biasa, uols ade keee?

and straightaway, i asked him; "Ayah, ayah ingat dak cheq umoq berapa la ni?" "Ha, ingat. Hat dok tulis dalam kertas tu la kan?" "Ayahhh! Daklaaa! Cheq dah doploh tiga tahun dah ayah! Ayah tak ingat kaaa?" (Dalam hati bukan main suka lagi yeee, awet muda la konon)

the next reaksi ayah was "Laaaa, yaka? Bukan doploh satu ka?" sambil sengih sengih. mujur. mujur ayah cakap anak hat ni muda dua tahun. takdak la nak gelabah sangat, "eh awattt, muka dah ageing kaaa ayah dok ingat 27 tahun?"

kfoineee. meaning to say; you're not behaving the way you should behave. the age you should behave. come on qistina, this is not happening, you're not that sweet seventeen ke, sour twenty ke. be the twenty three, think like twenty three.

or.. Ayah nak cakap, "Hey you my only baby girl, forever jadi baby girl boleh?"

okay pengsan kalau ayah cakap face-to-face.
terima kasih ayah, you made my day! hikhiks :p

p/s : whatever it is, ingat. masa tak tunggu kita. mungkin harini kita doploh tiga. semalam doploh dua. esok? tengok tengok dah lima ploh lima. kalau pun sempat angka lima. kalau angka dua pun tak lepas? haru! time flies so fast that kejip mata pun boleh beza setahun, tahu? cakap pasal waktu hidup, bukan main pum pam pum pam, cakap pasal waktu mati? bunyi cengkerik krik krik krik. ni shoot diri sendiri ke hape nih qistina -_____-"

Friday, March 29, 2013

siapa cakap nak jadi cikgu, senang?

logicallynya, memang senang nak jadi cikgu. dahulu. zaman pak kaduk. era tok nenek kita. asal pass darjah 6, okay anda boleh keluar sekolah dan apply sebagai seorang guru. imagine, budak 12 tahun dah boleh masuk mengajar, memang tak dinafikan, itu dahulu. waktu pendidikan hanyalah sekadar ABC, 123.

tapi, kalau ada yang berkata nak jadi cikgu sekarang senang, meh sini. duduk elok elok, meh kita bincang baik baik kenapa hakikat sebenar untuk menjadi seorang guru makin susah.

kenapa rasa macam suasana tegang nih? okay chill qistina, chill.

last week, ada terjumpa this one senior. we talked a lot, about the future and how she's doing now, especially dengan posting and things like that. to my surprise, a lot of new things and new terms she told us, and those are really new to us. sangat baru, sampaikan we had no clue of those new things. maybe la ade, but salah qistina jugak sebab seperti katak di bawah tempurung, jarang yang amattt sekali nak beli newspaper, tengok berita apatah lagi. =___="

she shared a lot about her experiences. not to mention all of those, tapi seriously. to be a teacher je pun bukan calang calang orang sekarang. even you're in the system (contoh IPG or UPSI or other IPTAs), jawatan tu tak sure lagi dapat. you have to undergo interviews, for the lucky ones mungkin dapat penilaian khas, and untuk yang cepat maybe can apply for interim.

penilaian khas contohnya, she kept reminding us to fulfill the 3 main criteria; PNGK 3.5 and above, gred praktikum the least is A-, and dapat recommendation dari pihak kolej. okay boleh start garu kepala pikiaq dok kumpui Cs merata.

interview? to compete now dengan other graduates from the unis, you really have to be fully active, confident, everything must tip-top one lehhh. takkan interviewer nak tertarik kat orang koman koman ye dop? okay mungkin boleh garu hidung.

interim? she mentions about the other friends; senang nak dapatnya kalau apply kat sabah sarawak. kalau semenanjung, most probably johor, this is what she said. okay mungkin boleh garu mata?

to be honest, to be a teacher is one of my kanak-kanak ambitions. kalau dulu people keep saying, "Hey, be a teacher. Noble job kot." and i was like.. so? tapi once dah immersed dalam society pendidikan ni, dia punya feeling serius lain. rasa semangat nak ubah mentaliti masyarakat tu membuak buak. rasa macam tugas cikgu nih.. adventure dia kalah james bond.

tapi.. kadang kadang tu low self-esteem tu ada gak ah nak menerpa, menghasut. "Alah, belum tentu dapat position cikgu tu pun. Tak payah fikir sangat ah, kalau dapat, jadi. Kalau tak dapat, find a new job. End of story."

the thing is; kalau sekarang tak fikir, what are the other options i have?

housewife could be the best one, home-schooling anak anak, and at the end of the day; you're still a teacher kan? okay istilah anak anak itu nampak beno nipunye, advance sungguh teman ni haa!

ahhh, mana mana pun bagi habis final year dulu.

p/s : all these could be just my opinion. kalau ada salah silap, well, that's just opinion. sorry in advance then. peace yaww! ^______^"

Thursday, March 28, 2013

suprise satun chillin' time!

sabtu lepas, arrived home safely for a-week holiday. should be tak balik pun, but i insisted of going back, like desperately i need to be at home. with things going on di maktab's life, i guess i've made the right decision. i just need space and time to get myself recharged, and this could be the right one. alhamdulillah, so far so good. the days are fully occupied dengan banyak benda, and the suprise ayah buat is the most highlighted one!

few weeks back, ayah asked me details about my passport and international stuffs. (like bila expiry date, no passport, what to do bila nak keluar negara, stuffs like that). i didn't think too much, just ingatkan, "oh ya, probably dia just nak isi those details kat form mana mana, nothing much nak bother pun kan." but when he kept mentioning about the expiry date, asking me to confirm again and again (in case anak dia ni, well..), dah mula syak wasangka something.

so i decided.. "I could have asked ibu about this, maybe she knows!" and yeah i did. so, tahap surprise tinggal 50 percent bila dapat tahu, we're going to Thailand!


gittew.

alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Allah, sesungguhnya aturan Allah itu cantik kan. sungguh, i didn't expect this vacation to be just like what i've been dreaming for - the beach (i've been longing for this lama dah!), the scenery, the quality time i had with loves, the good food (I ate a lot - seafood, banana split tak split, the tomyums; like seriously!), everything - just right timing, right places. no exact word shall describe the whole processes, it's just.. Masha Allah!


muzium, as expected kannn. hewhew


the sukaneka.


the seafood and banana split. murah oiii seafood sini, should try one!


makhluk ini sedang memikirkan masa depannya.. yang tak pasti. ahem.




candid, ce cari mana qistinaaa


tut tuttt, awesome baq hang!


this is how the pekan hat yai looks like. macam pekan rabu je weh!



the photos are just few, as compared to what i had experienced. :)

i learned a lot too, just to say that trying out different views of different people has taught me to be more considerate of others. mungkin masih belajar, but throughout this short vacation has bring something new in me - jangan expect orang untuk faham kita saja, kita yang kena faham orang dulu! this satun trip was actually anjuran kelab keluarga sekolah ayah, ramai gak ah pegi. konvoi dalam 15 kereta camtu, semua orang ade pe'el masing masing. siap ada sukaneka lagi, dan serius awesome baq hang! cikgu cikgu baya mak ayah kita sporting habis :)

Thai's culture - not so much different with ours. (except mat rempit dia sopan santun, tak rempit sangat ahhh macam superman kita LOL). they prefer to use their own language, just few yang dapat converse in English and Malay. helmet pun tak wajib pakai, boleh selamba badak je pegi town tak pakai. the most vehicle used kat sana - trak pikap cam Hilux tu. the people; quite friendly, mungkin few yang rude kat jalan, aksi potong memotong macam race tu ade je macam kat highway plus tu haa). for Muslim food and tempat semayang, iA mudah je nak cari kat this area, since most of them Muslims. this experience really makes me wonder; ini baru satu negara pergi dah discover a lot of new things, what about berapa ratus lagi negara? Allah dah cipta manusia ni berbangsa bangsa, bersuku kaum supaya kita boleh saling kenal. (Al Hujurat: 13) so whatcha been waiting for? go get your stuffs packed, plan your trip to anywhere you like, and explore! as if macam trip tu guna dua ringgit je kan, as if. make sure mampu, sesuai dan berbaloi jugak, okay?

rasa macam ejen travelling companies pulak. enough, enough Qistina. cikgu pelatih ini harus mulakan kerja sekolah bertimbun timbun, kerana masa cuti beliau hanya berbaki empat hari. hmmmmm

typical question; "ni form berapa nih? laaa, dah uni ka, awat muka budak budak sangat nih?" dah biasa dah, dah biasa sangat dah permainan lagu ni. -_-

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

normal.

too much to think about, too much.. for the zillionth time, i feel emotionless, restless, effortless. couldnt even bother what to feel anymore.

even the cengeng tears won't come out now. and that's when i seriously.. seriously have nothing left to say except sabar.

if only the word as easy as it sounds.



i really, really need time untuk duduk tepi laut all alone, just for once to clear up mind. just, for once.

"..even heroes have the right to bleed."

Saturday, March 16, 2013

all good

these few days, really. really. really. lemau days. (bila ada repetition tiga kali, ini sangat serius)

as 'lemau' as biskut tak tutup bekas kedap udara elok elok, lalu bila dijamah, rasa macam "Eh, macam biskut bayi nih, lembik."


i don't know what keeps me busy these few days, but really. asal malam je, everything goes wrong. badan tak sedap, lenguh the whole badan, serious backpain, sleepy sampai tertidur tidur, severe headaches, many more not to be mentioned. almost setiap malam simptom simptom ini berulang, and i just can't help melainkan.. bertahan setakat mana yang termampu.

it was then at one time, i couldn't bear these pains, so i ended up with tears. crying. hoping that these pains will get to end soon, soon enough for me; i know i HAVE TO bear these, but just for the time being, please.. pain, go away.


probably this is the time.

have faith Qistina, have faith that He will always be with you, always be. "..because He knows these pains are the best for you, at this right moment."

seriously, i think i really, really, really need something to get me focused. distractions are everywhere. and these pains could be one of those.

Ya Rabb, satu pinta; berikan rasa redha dan syukur itu melebih segalanya.

Monday, March 4, 2013

what a day.

it's monday, well yeah. long time tak dengaq frasa monday blues. not one for me though, harini isnin yang biasa biasa.

the day started dengan body aches here and there, padan muka untuk tidak terus keep fit dengan senaman, jogging dan sebagainya. berjalan to and fro maktab almost 2 km, tidakkah itu cukup untuk buatkan anda fit, healthy, tidak muscle aches seperti atlet? (konon atlet lah kan)

and the teacher trainee pun meneruskan hari beliau dengan melawat site project; sekolah. it took almost an hour just to check the anak murids' workbooks, itu pun dah complain, "Acane nak mark buku bebudak bebanyak nih, baru 2 buku dah menguap seluas singa mengaum?" rawrsss

balik dari sekolah, terus pegi pejabat TM untuk urusan pembayaran bil. biasalah, cikgu pelatih ini masih tradisional, segalanya tak di hujung jari lagi, kena pegi beratur panjang lagi untuk setel bil. and then she understands the reason kenapa online bill payment telah diwujudkan di Malaysia. untuk pengalaman lebih bermakna, sila ke pejabat pos atau pejabat kerajaan waktu lunch hour untuk explanation tak perlu kata apa apa.

hampir separuh siangnya di luar di bawah sinaran mentari yang menyilau lagi menghabakan, perempuan ini pulang ke teratak imtiyaz. did the housechores, dah setel semua dan eh! dah pukul 5 rupanya.

and the night is all about planning for tomorrow. homework esok, lesson plans kena present, prepare to-do list untuk hari hari mendatang.

and the routine goes on and on and onnnn, possibly goes on macam my heart will go on titanic version.

and what a day, sempat pulak cikgu pelatih ni update belog eh? eh, cikgu tengah multi-tasking nih, mengarang sambil ber-lesson plan-ing. tak nampak ke? *angkat kening sebelah*

p/s : see the life through better perspectives. cuba untuk lihat positivity dalam setiap benda, your life will be great! Alhamdulillah, what a day You've given me. :)

Monday, February 25, 2013

abang

yesterday was the kenduri. what kenduri? ehem ehemmm.

abang's kenduri.

it went well (i guess?), ibu called waktu kenduri dah habis, and mengadu this one thing.

"Penat la ibu kemas sorang sorang, takde sape pun nak tolong ibu. Abang dah balik kl tadi."

and i was like... "I wish i could help ibu. I really wish i could just be there and help you with those things."

and that is the main reason for me not to mintak posting jejauh; on the list are just utara sections - Penang, Kedah, Perak, or Perlis. well, aturan Allah jugak yang paling cantik kan, iA boleh berusaha dan yakin lagi percaya apa apa yang berlaku, itu yang paling baik pada waktu dan ketika itu. just wait and see.

oh yea, this story is actually about abang. remember one of my post about him, having dilemma and recently planning to go for umrah?

alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, one of the good news i've ever heard from him was last Tuesday.

he was offered a quite-promising, permanent job dekat satu government office ni, which for me... awesomenya aturan Allah!

dalam saat dia buntu fikir pasal his future, and he was about to go untuk ziarah rumah Allah, Allah hadirkan satu berita gembira untuk dia, dan kami sekeluarga.

satu benda yang aku kagum dengan abang ni; dia pandai bawa diri. he can easily make friends with everyone; can you imagine dekat 4-5 tempat kerja dia yang dulu, memang banyak cabel ah, serius wooo. even tempat kerja dia yang last ni, ibu cakap orang masih taknak bagi dia berhenti. "what so special about you huh, abang?" ada riak jeles di hati seorang adik.

well, he deserves all these. seriously, i'm a proud lil sister, i could say all the good things about him, and could hardly find his weakness. (except for kuat membebel dan tidy-conscious jugak macam ayah, lol)

bonus untuk abang jugak, when i asked him, "tempat kerja nanti kat mana?" "Penang weh, Penang. boleh ulang alik dari rumah wehhh." okay fine, adik ini berhak untuk iri hati. T___T

anyways anyhows abang, this adik of yours just want to say, "Hey abang, i as your only lil sister nak request this one thing. Gaji pertama sila belanja makan besar satu family bulan mac, gaji kedua sila simpan untuk buat hantaran meminang anak dara orang. Gaji ketiga nak hulur hulur pun, okay jugaklaaa."

Eh jap. ni sape yang kerja ni, gaji sape sebenarnya?

Sunday, February 24, 2013

somewhere over the rainbow

tak tahu nak rasa apa sekarang. tak tahu.
cuma satu.



beri kekuatan setimpal dengan apa yang Kau beri.
cuma itu je, itu je. tak lain dari itu.

rasa nak terjun atas jetplane, terbang pulang ke rumah. rindu nak kacau eiein, nak kena marah dengan ayah, nak sesi girls' talk dengan ibu, nak boys' talk dengan faris, nak keluar dengan abang. cepat march, sila datang segera.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

something good in everyday

untuk menjadi seorang yang positif di tahun akhir pengajian sangatlah terasa susah yang amat, like seriously.. susah.

takdir telah menentukan, banyak pulak benda nak kena setel at one time, sehinggakan kadang kadang rasa diri macam sebuah mesin robot yang bergerak tanpa rehat, bergerak tanpa ada satu matlamat yang betul betul, yang pasti.

at one point, rasa nak give up tu melebihi segala galanya. melebihi rasa yang sepatutnya seorang hamba, punya. melebihi rasa yang sepatutnya seorang khalifah, percaya. melebihi rasa yang sepatutnya seorang manusia, kaya.

cuba bayangkan, sakit gigi selama 3 minggu yang lepas terpaksa ditahan hanya kerana nak save duit, akhirnya menuntut pengorbanan ratusan ringgit, and yet.. still sakit sampai sekarang.

cuba bayangkan, parcel yang ditunggu tak kunjung tiba, once dah sampai, tak dapat nak pick up sebab busy dengan kelas and stuffs, and bila pergi claim, parcel sudah dihantar pulang ke penang.

cuba bayangkan, kelas full at one time, and nak dijadikan cerita, time tu jugak kena submit this one particular assignment yang memerlukan higher order thinking skills, memang zombie habis ah berjaga. lemau the whole day, and tak produktif langsung.

and banyak lagi "cuba bayangkan" moments yang berlaku, those are just few.

entahla. kadang kadang rasa macam i have the right to give up life that easy. i just feel i have that right to be that way; giving up hopes after all the things i've been through. just, that.

and then i get to think this.

why am i here, still living in the first place kalau giving up is the only option i have? why on earth you're still here, typing all those words, commenting on stuffs yang Allah dah takdirkan untuk you? why?

gulp.

normal, untuk manusia itu berasa lemah. kerana dari situ dia kembali kepada fitrahnya, seorang hamba yang hanya bergantung harap dengan Tuannya. seorang khalifah yang berusaha sedaya upaya menunaikan tanggungjawabnya sehabis baik. seorang manusia, yang sememangnya manusia normal; yang bila jatuh, dia cuba bangun dan terus melangkah, biarpun payah.

"Hang tak payah risau sangat aih, semua orang pun dok buat benda yang sama. Yang bezanya, the way you deal with it. You have your own ways, go for it. As long as you keep moving, that's more than enough. There is always something good in everyday, that something; could be you."

*senyum*

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

say it as you mean it


the picture speaks what i'm about to say, just so you know.

'cause i know you won't be able to find out the truest truth of it, it's her favourite ringtone.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

satu pinta.

andai ini yang terbaik
berikan rasa itu
rasa puas hati
lapang dada
mampu terima
apa apa pun yang telah direncana.

kerana sungguh
manusia ini hanya biasa biasa
masih mencuba sehabis upaya
tengah berusaha dengan segala
apa yang ada
untuk dirinya cuma, dirinya yang hina.

andai ini yang terbaik
permudahkan.

sungguh, susah nak digambar dengan kata kata rasa ini. rasa yang.. entah, tak pasti.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

the call.

last few weeks, had a brief chat with him. it was just a conversation of not to say heart-to-heart one, but just tanya khabar, and how he was doing so far. well, he didn't tell much, as expected, probably thinking it's not nice to let me know all the problems he might have.

but i know his feelings, 'cause i've been there. maybe not for the same reason, but yeah. i can feel you.

banyak sangat benda yang perlu di-achieve, and he's in a great dilemma. recently, he told me about his future planning; he is now saving money, planning to get a permanent job, and get married. that's his plan, the rationale is that people at his age should be doing all these, and he's the one who is still struggling at the moment. baru saving sikit, kerja masih kontrak, and then marriage? mestilah jauh lagi nak dapat fikir, and i feel bad for him.

if only i could help, at least do something to ease his burden.

just in time, something unexpected came.

Tok will be going to Mecca to perform her umrah this coming March, and he was asked to accompany Tok there. at first, he felt a bit reluctant and indecisive, just because he felt it was not the best, right time to go. with his condition, he thought it would be difficult for him to actually go there and spend his saving, when the real fact, the saving was meant for his future.

i couldn't believe my ears, and hearing to that, i replied, "You make the decision, so better make a good one. Bukan senang nak dapat peluang macam ni, and yet the future pun penting jugak. I know it's hard for you to choose, tapi percayalah, apa apa yang telah diputuskan selepas ini, that's the best for you."

and he chose to go there despite the fact that he's going to use some of his saving for the umrah trip.

suprisingly awesome how Allah has put all the things into places.

it was one of his dreams to be there, in front of Kaa'bah, and make duas. his past experiences uruskan orang nak pegi haji makes the urge to go there even stronger than ever. "All good, iA, i'm going to make lots of duas there, probably this is the best for me, for now."

and i said this to him, "Don't worry abang, duit boleh dicari. Tapi nak pegi rumah Allah? Once in a lifetime pun belum tentu tau dapat. Dah tu, doa depan Kaa'bah kot... okay jeles."

p/s ; he asked me, "Nak pesan pape nanti cakap la kat abang. IA abang boleh je." "Nak pesan suruh doa something boleh?" and i smiled. THE END. eh.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

get a life, dudes and dudettes.

it's sunday pepol, wake up, rise and shine seperti bintang bintang berkedipan, menghiasi. eh eh. off tune, heh

kerja bertimbun, yes i know. i should not be here, writing post or whatsoever. minggu ni saje, presentation research project, first assignment curriculum studies, presentation professional development. nama subjek je pun dah gah lain macam. gah gah termengah mengah dengornye tahu?

kalau dulu, tendency untuk komplen memang banyak. awal awal, normal. sekarang dah malas dah. rasa macam dunia assignment ni bukan hanya ana yang punya, dunia ini milik kita bersama, ecewah. so, y so serius? buat sudeyhhh!

memandangkan ini mungkin tahun terakhir bergelar student (who knows, master phd dah ke laut waktu tu kan), we have to cherish every moment. buat kerja rileks cam biasa, elakkan stress tekanan perasaan dan lemah longlai lemau ye tuan tuan puan puan. act cool, after all, nama pun student, buat kerja bajet cam student je la, senang.

semoga terus diberi kekuatan setimpal dengan ujian yang dihadapi, iA. semoga semua pun selamat selamat jugak, selamattt!

"Have a good weekends, not a good week ends." ngertik?

"i am a cheetah." lol.

p/s : to dear you, i know you will read this. semoga baik baik sajaaa! take care sweetie! see you in March, iA! :))

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

super ring!

"It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me."

You think I'm gonna give up that easily? Spell this: N-O. W-A-Y.

untuk kesekian kalinya, i'm all confused.

cuba untuk make sense of everything that happened, kept saying.. "Everything happened for reasons."


but there are things i just can't believe with my own eyes and ears.

after all this while? after all the things you've been through? and... that's it?

come on, that's not the end of it. you've gotta try harder, pray harder, even give the best-est of you to the things you value that much.

think. just, think. for once, put some efforts to it. don't just go and say, "I'm giving up."

even binatang pun tahu, rezeki tak datang bergolek. burung di pagi-pagi buta kena keluar cari cacing, cacing tak jatuh dari langit beb. cacing tu kena dicari.

perancangan Allah itu memang paling terbaik, tapi takkan nak duduk senyap senyap takde usaha langsung? apa guna nya Allah jadikan manusia itu ada kudrat, ada tenaga kalau bukan untuk berusaha?

tak faham la, kenapa nak kena give up that easily. "Cakap percaya dengan janji Allah, sebab percayalah aku serahkan hal ni bulat bulat kepadaNya."

"Habis tu, tak payah study la final exam. Bior je, fail kena repeat pun perancangan Allah jugak. Simple."

Come on la. Efforts mana, efforts? Not the best person to comment on this, but seriously... these people are making me sick. Tak usaha, pastu nak letak pertanggungjawaban takdir semata mata?

2 kali 5 dengan manusia yang tanam padi, dok harap ayaq hujan turun bagi subuq padi. musim kemarau apecer der? takkan nak tongkat dagu tunggu hujan turun kottt?

sama se-spesies orang yang nak kawen, tapi malas nak fikir sebab "nanti, adelah jodoh tu datang". humph.

bukannya mempersoalkan kebergantungan kita kepada Allah, sama sekali bukan.

the point is, memang azalinya Allah yang beri segalanya, that's the truest truth. tapi, macamana Allah nak bagi, kalau diri itu tak pernah berusaha meminta? (that's the least you can do!) doa. doa, semoga apa yang dihajati itu, bawa kebaikan. doa, semoga apa yang dihindari, menjauhkan diri dari keburukan.

come on people, put some effort in everything we do. Allah pandang usaha, hasilnya tu memang dah ditentukan pun.

rasa macam post ini ditujukan khas untuk diri sendiri. sebab usaha entah ke mana, hasilnya tu yang sentiasa bermain di minda. :(

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

the first impression.

the first impression really matters, you know.

and i just learned that during your first week at school, segala tindak tanduk anda sebagai seorang guru baru akan menjadi perhatian, tatapan umum. confirm, muktamad, sungguh tak tipu.

and it happened to me that people will start judging you from head to toe, dari sekecil kecil nano kuman sampai sebesar besar paus paling besar; everything related to you, seriously.

an interesting conversation dengan seorang cikgu senior.
guru - guru pelatih : cikgu, we actually want to observe you, the way you manage the classroom.
guru senior : what? you want to observe me? *gelak kecil* you want to observe me for what?

habis, nak guna word ape lagi lah selain dari 'observe'? -_____-"

seriously, nanti bila dah jadi cikgu senior, i don't wanna be this kind of teacher who actually kinda demotivates new teachers in a way that makes us think we are no better than them. you are teachers, they are teachers, we are teachers. aren't we the same? what's the matter with "you all ada degree, you all belajar oversea" and so forth? like seriously, TEACHERS?

i don't really have problems with this. it's just something to ponder, and i keep thinking about this all the way back from school;

"Kalau betul la this is what gonna happen to me bila dah start posting... uhhh, i can't even imagine it. Teachers should do what they do best; inspire people. Rather than giving those negative first impressions about the profession, apa salahnya kalau kita saling tolong menolong? Yang lebih berpengalaman, share dan beri tunjuk ajar kepada yang baru. Yang semangat fresh fresh, kongsi idea idea baru up-to-date. Kan lebih mantoppp sistem pendidikan negara?"

cikgu pelatih pun akan jadi cikgu senior nanti, cikgu senior pun pernah jadi cikgu pelatih. fair and square, so peace yaww. *log out*

p/s : nanti dah jadi cikgu pencen, sape lah nak ajar cucu cicit piut miut? cikgu pelatih jugakkk. eh. kbai cikgu pelatih nak buat research proposal, semoga cikgu pelatih ini berjaya mengharungi hidup penuh onak duri kbai.

Monday, January 14, 2013

she's driving... like a boss.

semalam was just another plain weekend for me... until i pegang stereng kereta.

well... obviously, untuk pemegang lesen kompeten for like 2 years and yet tak pernah pegang kereta since then, i have the right untuk rasa nervous serupa bawak treler 10 tayar.

it was a short session with hannah, and she taught me well. couldn't believe the moment when she asked me, "Qis, awak nak bawak kereta?" and i was like... "Seriously? Dah la bawak anak orang, kereta orang. Mati enjin tengah jalan tetiba kang, serius nak tanam kepala dalam tanah, serius."

alhamdulillah, the 5-minute session turned out well. dah boleh ingat mana satu clutch, accelerator, brake. at least, itu good sign, right? okay tak right sangat la kalau dah boleh lupa benda basic camtu, kfine.

and it was then when i realize this one thing. driving; is not just driving. you dare to take risks to get yourself moving. and what more, kena jaga the safety of others too, the passengers, other pengguna jalan raya. obey the rules, well not for some reckless drivers i guess. even nak keluar dari simpang jalan pun, you have to really consider things like, "Eh, moto ni nak masuk mane nih? Kang aku jalan, tak pasal pasal terjadinya inertia yang sangat dahsyat." you have to be prepared, secara mental fizikal intelektual dan emosi untuk memandu di jalanraya Malaysia. (eh termasuk falsafah pendidikan negara)

hidup ni umpama bawak kereta la jugak, kalau setakat eksyen kereta ferrari tapi simpan dalam rumah baik tak payah nak eksyen sangat laaa. kereta myvi jugak yang comel, dahla save minyak, macam just nice je. hidup ni pun, kena just nice je. nampak permainan dia?

semoga first step ini akan menjadi pemangkin kepada step step seterusnya. beli kereta mungkin? ehemmm mesti ayah dok batuk batuk kat rumah ni, takpe ayah, duit muka je. duit kepala, badan, tayar, minyak, itu boleh setel kemudian kemudian, no hal. :p eh, ayah dok batuk batuk lagi. okay lah ayah, nak sambung research proposal. untung untung dapat buat proposal beli kereta nanti. ehemmmm *ayah batuk batuk kat rumah* kbai

Saturday, January 12, 2013

"Cobaan..." versi Qistina bujang tak lapok.

masuk minggu kedua di maktab, dia punya semangat dah lain macam. jatuh merudum macam bursa saham nasional time kegawatan ekonomi.

sebab apa?

workload final year, lain macam. lain dari year year sebelumnya. bukan takat biasa biasa boleh lipat buat origami kapai terbang, dia punya tahap wa cakap lu... otak buntu pikiaq final year research project. dengan praktikum entah mana hala nak kena campak. assignments (boleh tahan heavy gak ah subjects) tiap tiap minggu ada due dates. tak campuq jadual kelas yang tak menentu, 2 jam waktu pagi, tetiba sejam waktu petang mata-tak-larat-nak-tongkat punya time.

masuk kelas, lecturer cerita pasai masa depan seorang guru pedalaman. dalam tutorial, diskusi pasal isu kahwin. jumpa lecturer dulu dulu time foundation, monolog sendiri; "Oh em gi, that was so... last two years! 23 sudah?"

memang final year habis ah!

hari jumaat, terus lemau umpama biskut Tiger masuk angin. dicicah telan tak sedap, dikunyah rasa lembik. tambah dengan cuaca tak menentu 2 jam hujan 2 jam lagi panas, memang patut rasa seram sejuk serupa nak demam. tak kira dengan masalah kesihatan yang telah kunjung tiba sebulan yang lalu. memang... kalau cerita P. Ramlee Pendekar Bujang Lapok nih, dialog "Cobaan..." patut jadi theme of the week.


mungkin feeling dia, tak sama dengan "Cobaan..." orang lain. cumanya, benarlah ayat cinta Al-Ankabut, ayat 2, yang mana sudah terang lagi bersuluh, Allah berfirman;

"Patutkah manusia menyangka bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan dengan hanya berkata: "Kami beriman", sedang mereka tidak diuji (dengan sesuatu cobaan)?"

kata percaya dengan takdir, tapi cepat sangat nak mengeluh. kata ikhlas nak buat itu ini, tapi ungkit balik sana sini. kata nak bersangka baik selalu, tapi senang yang amat nak carik kelemahan dulu.

baru second week Qistina, come on laaa. ada lagi setahun (tolak 2 minggu) lagi nak habis study. takkan nak give up dah kot? you're almost there, all you need to do is; have faith that Allah is always there, with you. *senyum lebar lebar*

p/s : final year ni... memang ceni eh? hidup makin kurus dah ni rase, no more chubby Qistina, yang ada cuma cekeding Qistina. eh. kbai

Monday, January 7, 2013

what are words

there are millions of words (even more!), but if you can't really say the exact word and convey the meaning, you'd better use this word.

silence.


head up, wear the best smile, and just live. 'cause you're gonna be just fine in the end, no matter what.

"La Tahzan, Innallaha Ma'ana." have faith.