She's gonna wait..

Sunday, February 26, 2017

no, you don't understand what i have been through

have no idea how i ended up here. got tonnes of work - 3 exam papers to be set, tomorrow's worksheet, unpacking the emotional baggage, and etc. yet, here i am, procrastinating at my best.

it's towards the end of february and i would say i started the year 2017 from the wrong side of bed. these 2 months have been a bumpy roller-coaster ride - i couldn't tell the whole story here, words just can't express it.

with school and family stuffs, i thought my life would be pretty occupied. weekdays were filled with piles of books to be marked, the reports that need to be submitted online, the emotional thoughts and feelings like "Should i do this? Should i avoid this?", scheduled extra classes, those unnecessary work-related matters but really matter to my eyes, so many more not to mention. my weekdays evening routines would be taking Mumsie out running errands, bring her to clinics when she has sorethroat, regular visits to night markets, everyday-must-go-to-different-places-just-to-pay-different-bills (i just don't understand why it can't be done in one go), unplanned window shopping to Mydin and Sunshine... too tired to even think of those. still, so far, i'm doing good. just, good.

weekends - half of my saturday would be at school, 2 extra classes from 8-12.15 p.m. usually i went home straightaway, all drained up and i would just call it a day. mentally exhausted, to stay up at nights is almost impossible. here comes the sunday, mornings would be family time attending a ceramah, till afternoon and that's it. i prefer to stay at home afterwards. which tells me i'm getting older by age and physical. so sad :')

i wouldn't mind if things go like this forever.. as long as people don't ask me questions i don't have the answers.

you know... like...

"Ni bila lagi?"

"Dah 27 tahun dah ni, bila kawan kamu nak datang rumah?"

"Bila nak makan nasi minyak ni?

Seriously. Guys.


to be honest, i think i had this enough. i feel so sick just hearing those questions even if it is meant just to 'manis mulut'. you know... i've been dealing with lots of life crisis, problems, joy and sorrows, can you just stop adding salt to the wound?

i really wish i could give you the answers you want to hear..... really. you never know the struggles in me, trying to put up smiles and pretend to feel good about nothing - that's the best i could respond. not that i did not take the efforts, trust me... i wish i myself know the answers.....

i could not hint you anything... not in the near future...... so can you please, please, please... stop putting this unintentionally pressure on me which makes me at guilt for not 'following the trend' "hey, your friends are all now starting new phases of life, when will be yours?"

somehow for some reasons, i really wish i could end up just being alone and not being a burden to anybody. think i'd better stop writing or this teacher will be going into classes tomorrow with eyebags and running nose.

hope things go well for you. take care!