She's gonna wait..

Sunday, June 18, 2017

rasa ini

Rasa ini
hadir dalam pelbagai bentuk
Ada yang senyum
Ada yang bingung
Ada yang murung

Kadang aku sendiri tersesat
Dalam hutan belantara perasaan ini
Antara redah dan selamatkan diri
Atau biar dan berharap diselamatkan

Berada di persimpangan ini
Sungguh aku buntu
Apa perlu kuteruskan kepura-puraan ini
Terus berlagak gagah perkasa menongkah dunia
Atau jatuh dan bangkit semula pergi
Pergi dari semua yang sakit

Bantu aku
Tunjukkan aku jalan
Jalan untuk keluar dari hutan tebal ini
Yang semakin menyesakkan dada melemahkan jiwa
Sungguh
Bantulah aku yang hina dina ini

Sunday, February 26, 2017

no, you don't understand what i have been through

have no idea how i ended up here. got tonnes of work - 3 exam papers to be set, tomorrow's worksheet, unpacking the emotional baggage, and etc. yet, here i am, procrastinating at my best.

it's towards the end of february and i would say i started the year 2017 from the wrong side of bed. these 2 months have been a bumpy roller-coaster ride - i couldn't tell the whole story here, words just can't express it.

with school and family stuffs, i thought my life would be pretty occupied. weekdays were filled with piles of books to be marked, the reports that need to be submitted online, the emotional thoughts and feelings like "Should i do this? Should i avoid this?", scheduled extra classes, those unnecessary work-related matters but really matter to my eyes, so many more not to mention. my weekdays evening routines would be taking Mumsie out running errands, bring her to clinics when she has sorethroat, regular visits to night markets, everyday-must-go-to-different-places-just-to-pay-different-bills (i just don't understand why it can't be done in one go), unplanned window shopping to Mydin and Sunshine... too tired to even think of those. still, so far, i'm doing good. just, good.

weekends - half of my saturday would be at school, 2 extra classes from 8-12.15 p.m. usually i went home straightaway, all drained up and i would just call it a day. mentally exhausted, to stay up at nights is almost impossible. here comes the sunday, mornings would be family time attending a ceramah, till afternoon and that's it. i prefer to stay at home afterwards. which tells me i'm getting older by age and physical. so sad :')

i wouldn't mind if things go like this forever.. as long as people don't ask me questions i don't have the answers.

you know... like...

"Ni bila lagi?"

"Dah 27 tahun dah ni, bila kawan kamu nak datang rumah?"

"Bila nak makan nasi minyak ni?





Seriously. Guys.

Seriously.

to be honest, i think i had this enough. i feel so sick just hearing those questions even if it is meant just to 'manis mulut'. you know... i've been dealing with lots of life crisis, problems, joy and sorrows, can you just stop adding salt to the wound?

i really wish i could give you the answers you want to hear..... really. you never know the struggles in me, trying to put up smiles and pretend to feel good about nothing - that's the best i could respond. not that i did not take the efforts, trust me... i wish i myself know the answers.....

i could not hint you anything... not in the near future...... so can you please, please, please... stop putting this unintentionally pressure on me which makes me at guilt for not 'following the trend' "hey, your friends are all now starting new phases of life, when will be yours?"



somehow for some reasons, i really wish i could end up just being alone and not being a burden to anybody. think i'd better stop writing or this teacher will be going into classes tomorrow with eyebags and running nose.

hope things go well for you. take care!

Friday, December 16, 2016

so far, so good

assalam and greetings!

well hello there! how's life treating you so far? am all good, alhamdulillah. not much to update here but there's a need for me to revisit the old posts and have a good laugh. what on earth had i posted before? kenapa rasa macam blogger ini bersifat keanak-anakan sangat postnya :,D

nevermind, i'm not gonna delete those posts, i'm gonna read those again and again and wonder how far i have come to get this far :)




i think that will make a good quick update from me, got works waiting to be done! till then, hope things turn out well for you guys too! keep calm and have a good day everyone :)

Sunday, September 18, 2016

school holidays

it's 11 p.m., tomorrow is the first day school reopens after the school holidays and here, a teacher is updating her blog. please, she needs a life too. pft

school holidays could actually brings in so many emotions - well, it could be positive or negative.

let's just be honest about this.

cuti sekolah can actually be so exciting yet so, frustrating.

exciting in a way i enjoy my free time doing things i love - sleeping, watching movie, hanging out with favourite persons, etc. (mostly things i don't do during school days) i can go to bed as early as 9 p.m. without having any regrets the next morning sebab tak siapkan lesson plan, tak prepare worksheet, dan sebagainya. plus, i don't have to think about the workload - ini cigu memang tara kisah ini worang, waktu cuti dia memang cuti betui.

the dark side of it?

not really that 'dark' but trust me... you won't understand until you're in my shoes.

it's the fifth musim after all the seasons we have in Malaysia. musim kemarau, musim tengkujuh, musim buah, musim jerebu and..... *drum rolls*

musim kenduri!

waktu usia di awal 20-an, tengah famous orang kahwin muda, i was in that bandwagon too. rasa macam, "oh sweetnye! boleh study sesame, boleh grad sesame," until i realize... no, this might be okay to some but not for me. i have dreams to fulfill, i still have to achieve something in my life then only i can think of this. since then, i tried to keep this low.

now that i've already secured myself a job, i began to wonder.. what's next?

and this is the time where i feel i am all alone.



most friends of my age are now getting married (or at least getting engaged), some even have 2 babies already and what are you doing, Qistina? still babysit the school kids yang balik lambat asking "Kenapa balik lambat? Nak teacher hantar ke?"

you would probably say i'm selfish. no, i see myself as a normal human being. blame the hormones and the trend, i know i shouldn't question what Allah has planned for me. tak, i'm not questioning anything. i just wanted to feel i'm doing good, i'm doing just fine by being single. i need to know that it's okay not to be in a relationship, just yet. everyone around me (mostly) are holding their babies and i'm still wondering, "baby tidur berapa jam dalam sehari?" I need to feel that it is absolutely fine, and that's it.

kalau dulu i would feel offended when people ask, "Bila lagi nak kahwin ni?", now i can just smile and "doa-doakanlah, inshaAllah"


cuma bila sampai satu masa yang mana akan ada perasaan tak enak. seperti tak normal bila berada dalam kalangan rakan sebaya yang dah berumah tangga dan you're all alone by yourself, just thinking "is it okay for me not to have what they have?" that thought really kills me, inside.

i believe only girls would feel this way and for that, let's just blame the hormones. waktu type ni pun boleh sebak, memang hati tisu ini worang huhu

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Ramadhan issue

i should be filling in the band and TP for my PBS data right now, but we do need breaks in between work. (i know i'm good at making up excuses)

so, hello and assalamualaikum everyone! it has been ages *echo* since i last carve something here. well, blame the time and the endless work - be it at school or home, both really take up most of my time, that's why they say work for a living *smirks*

so how things going on for you? as for me, so far, all good - the first half of the year has gone (time flies so fast i thought i just posted something on school was about to start) and it's already the second term of the year! yeay to what you did great and try again to all dissappointment you might have last time.

now we're in Ramadhan, the most awaiting month of all. a month of which i strongly believe test you as a real muslim - the patience, the pain, the strong will and whether you can be a better one in the next 11 months.

but there are things i feel sorry for this time.

non-muslims were not allowed to eat in front of the muslims just because "hey, we're fasting over here, please have some respect,"

LIKE REALLY? are you serious, are you getting affected with the action as if your imaan really depends on seeing other people eat and that's it? do you think the non-muslims aren't human after all? don't they have to eat? don't they have to fulfill their Maslow's theory of needs that they HAVE to eat in order to survive? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE I TOTALLY CANNOT BRAIN THIS.

Rasulullah even do good to non muslims. it's actually a way to dakwah - we're giving them the true impression of Islam. we treat them nicely, help them when they in need and show a good example of a Muslim. some of the nons even have the courtesy to ask "is it okay if i sip my drink, teacher?" during classes and here you are, being the selfish one thinking all about yourself. aren't you ashamed of how you carry the name of Islam?

i seldom say things like this in public because i think it is unnecessary to point out things you can't change, but this is getting worsened.

when i was in nz, we had our Ramadhan during the term - means classes are still on, the datelines are as scheduled. it was amazing to hear some of the lecturers acknowledge the fact that we're fasting - they kept asking "how's your fasting so far? what time will you break fast?" and tried not to consume any food in front of us muslims. that was really thoughtful, and i felt very warm and welcomed in their country.

the point is, we should be considerate and tolerant enough to our non-muslim friends - they're doing a favour to us actually by trying to live in peace and harmony.

please please, let's check back our imaan and faith. are we really potraying how a muslim should be?

Saturday, February 13, 2016

nothing much, just..

you're doing well, right?



either i worry too much or it's school holidays i got more free time to even have a thought about you

take care!

Monday, February 1, 2016

how's your weekend?

so, erm.. i guess i better start writing here since i need to spill whatever i have in mind.

weekends, so far so good, i'm glad i have fully made use of it before the extra classes start somewhere in mid feb! oh gosh it's not that i hate tuition, i just dislike the fact that i'll be having half-day Saturday and probably another half-day of Sunday, who knows something might get in (LDPs, all sorts of events)

the ideal Sunday for me would be just laying on the bed, doing nothing or probably doing activities at my own pace, taking that sweet little time enjoying every moment. rather than having to rush here and there, i'd prefer it to be at leisure; kalau nak outing or go shopping pun, takyah kalut kalut, settle things that need to be done first, then only baru keluar.

tapi cukup pantang kalau hari Ahad ajak keluar.

sebab konon macam eh esok nak pegi sekolah kan, kenapa nak keluar? why don't get yourself prepared mentally and emotionally for Monday and the blues?


i better get some sleep now. till then

Sunday, January 24, 2016

and that was the hardest goodbye, ever

the fact that we are not promised to see each other again or we would have another next time,








now that explains why i hesitate in bidding farewell.

i better keep the words safe.

semoga yang baik baik untuk kamu.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

sekolah kata mari, katil kata pergi





i never thought going to school would be this... *tarik nafas* exciting.


read it thousand times in a very low tone. you'll understand this feeling of i've-been-to-school-from-Year1-till-now.

BACK TO SCHOOL, PEOPLE! wish me the very best of everything, hope i don't mess this year up >.<'

hoping things would turn out to be good for you too! take care, see you when i see you! :)

Sunday, December 27, 2015

girls by the age of 25 should be getting a permanent forever-i-will-annoy-you room mate. bincangkan.

assalam and hello there! well i know no one is reading, stop pretending like you've got readers la, that's SO lame :p

but i need a place to spill what's inside my head, i can't let the topic goes wandering in my mind keep haunting me all days and nights, okay should stop this drama -.-'

at my age right now, i think it is completely fine for me to talk on this. i mean, come on, you're 25, everyone of your age is either getting engaged, married, or even counting days to be in the labour room. plus you're a girl, every makciks will (obviously, definitely) ask you questions like "hang bila lagi?" or "dah ada (boypren) ka?" or "bila nak jadi menantu makcik?"

okay yang last tu rekaan semata-mata :p

believe me or not, every girl who have heard of those questions feels this way;

we are so sick of those, like bloated, like nak muntah dengar, like whatever.

come on, our life is not all about those. we have so many more to achieve, we have our own wants and dreams, could you makciks please give us some space and not getting into our nerves?


i am NOT mad, this is not me getting mad being asked over and over again, truth is.. i have it enough to think about.

this is a serious matter, i don't want to get into this kelam kabut just to follow the trend, fulfilling the society's expectation that girls by the age of 25 should be getting married.

and i (strongly) believe i don't look like the one with that age yet :p

so dear makciks, here's a thoughtful piece of mind for you.

how would you feel if people ask you,
"bila agaknya makcik nak mati ye?"

i didn't mean to be mean at all, but that's the damn truth. we don't know what's in the future but we do know the One who holds it. harap makcik masih merasakan saya akan jadi menantu yang baik walaupun bukan menantu makcik hihihi

(off record)
tipu lah if i say i have never thought of that before. it IS normal for us girls, to have those dreams of having a life partner. but i prefer mine to be at its own pace. let the time decide and let He does what He does best, for He is the Best planner. :)