tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333389314358718702024-02-20T09:23:35.276+08:00so many words, so little space.she laughs at my dreams, but i dream about her laughterqiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.comBlogger435125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-3108057619157135772017-12-01T22:26:00.001+08:002017-12-01T22:26:26.479+08:00quick update!Salam, hi, hello, konichiwa everyone!<br />
<br />
it's been a long dayyyy, without you my friend eh ternyanyi pula lagu fast and furious :')<br />
<br />
Well, well. What have you been up to? <br />
<br />
As for me, sekarang tengah cuti sekolah. Which means, a break from everything about school, reports, and everything.<br />
<br />
To be honest, the thoughts (well, you know.. the 'thoughts' that keep wandering ever since) are still there. It's just i don't feed those thoughts already. Not that i'm tired of it, just.. i feel i have a lot more to be done. The time is running out, we will be leaving this world soon, so why bother thinking about things that are beyond our control?<br />
<br />
At times i do feel like giving up life, after all these. Seeing people's update on social media somehow makes me think - will i ever get the chance to feel the same way? The look - the happy, full of joy look seen on their face. It's just..... worth to be thought for a second. <br />
<br />
Life is not all about those. You won't be happy when you yourself question everything around you. You won't feel enough and satisfied of your life, until you yourself find the joy living in it, your way. Not by comparing yours to others, no. <br />
<br />
So now, i think it's better to focus on enjoying what we have now and just live the life to the fullest - with the highlight of the purpose of our life here - to please the One and the Only, the One who never fails to give you all the blessings you need and deserve and yet He's the one you always forget when you're on top of the world. <br />
<br />
I guess this is not quick update anymore :") i should pen off now, got works waiting! Till then, take care everyone, stay safe! :)qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-82211957665439284422017-07-29T22:50:00.001+08:002017-07-29T22:50:33.528+08:00to do listassalamualaikum, hi, hello, konichiwa, wapucitau<br />
<br />
it's 29th July already, time flies fast, less than 2 months for UPSR! *insert emoji freaked out* this teacher masih procrastinate, right in front of her laptop, well.. hey, tengah draft buku program hari anugerah okay? this is just sambil menyelam minum air - excuses, excuses :p<br />
<br />
well, here's my to-do list:<br />
<br />
1. draf buku program - ketua ok, ketua :')<br />
2. rph - as usual, mesti lompong lompong pastu hantar pagi isnin, malam ahad baru pulun :")<br />
3. print sijil budak - ni dah macam bertangguh lama gilsss zzz<br />
4. kahwin <br />
<br />
no 4 tu memain je, prince charming tengah sesat tak jumpa jalan. takpa aih, this teacher wouldn't mind waiting for-tak-kisah-berapa-lama-lagi-pun as long as kebahagiaan milik semua insan, gituh<br />
<br />
enough of merepek-ing, need to get back on track! see you soon okay :))qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-71317661360216010942017-06-18T14:21:00.001+08:002017-06-18T14:21:29.142+08:00rasa iniRasa ini<br />
hadir dalam pelbagai bentuk<br />
Ada yang senyum<br />
Ada yang bingung<br />
Ada yang murung<br />
<br />
Kadang aku sendiri tersesat<br />
Dalam hutan belantara perasaan ini<br />
Antara redah dan selamatkan diri<br />
Atau biar dan berharap diselamatkan<br />
<br />
Berada di persimpangan ini<br />
Sungguh aku buntu<br />
Apa perlu kuteruskan kepura-puraan ini<br />
Terus berlagak gagah perkasa menongkah dunia<br />
Atau jatuh dan bangkit semula pergi<br />
Pergi dari semua yang sakit<br />
<br />
Bantu aku<br />
Tunjukkan aku jalan<br />
Jalan untuk keluar dari hutan tebal ini<br />
Yang semakin menyesakkan dada melemahkan jiwa<br />
Sungguh<br />
Bantulah aku yang hina dina iniqiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-28858937626817151352017-02-26T22:13:00.001+08:002017-02-26T22:22:06.345+08:00no, you don't understand what i have been throughhave no idea how i ended up here. got tonnes of work - 3 exam papers to be set, tomorrow's worksheet, unpacking the emotional baggage, and etc. yet, here i am, procrastinating at my best.<br />
<br />
it's towards the end of february and i would say i started the year 2017 from the wrong side of bed. these 2 months have been a bumpy roller-coaster ride - i couldn't tell the whole story here, words just can't express it.<br />
<br />
with school and family stuffs, i thought my life would be pretty occupied. weekdays were filled with piles of books to be marked, the reports that need to be submitted online, the emotional thoughts and feelings like "Should i do this? Should i avoid this?", scheduled extra classes, those unnecessary work-related matters but really matter to my eyes, so many more not to mention. my weekdays evening routines would be taking Mumsie out running errands, bring her to clinics when she has sorethroat, regular visits to night markets, everyday-must-go-to-different-places-just-to-pay-different-bills (i just don't understand why it can't be done in one go), unplanned window shopping to Mydin and Sunshine... too tired to even think of those. still, so far, i'm doing good. just, good.<br />
<br />
weekends - half of my saturday would be at school, 2 extra classes from 8-12.15 p.m. usually i went home straightaway, all drained up and i would just call it a day. mentally exhausted, to stay up at nights is almost impossible. here comes the sunday, mornings would be family time attending a ceramah, till afternoon and that's it. i prefer to stay at home afterwards. which tells me i'm getting older by age and physical. so sad :')<br />
<br />
i wouldn't mind if things go like this forever.. as long as people don't ask me questions i don't have the answers.<br />
<br />
you know... like...<br />
<br />
"Ni bila lagi?"<br />
<br />
"Dah 27 tahun dah ni, bila kawan kamu nak datang rumah?"<br />
<br />
"Bila nak makan nasi minyak ni?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Seriously. Guys. <br />
<br />
Seriously. <br />
<br />
to be honest, i think i had this enough. i feel so sick just hearing those questions even if it is meant just to 'manis mulut'. you know... i've been dealing with lots of life crisis, problems, joy and sorrows, can you just stop adding salt to the wound?<br />
<br />
i really wish i could give you the answers you want to hear..... really. you never know the struggles in me, trying to put up smiles and pretend to feel good about nothing - that's the best i could respond. not that i did not take the efforts, trust me... i wish i myself know the answers.....<br />
<br />
i could not hint you anything... not in the near future...... so can you please, please, please... stop putting this unintentionally pressure on me which makes me at guilt for not 'following the trend' "hey, your friends are all now starting new phases of life, when will be yours?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
somehow for some reasons, i really wish i could end up just being alone and not being a burden to anybody. think i'd better stop writing or this teacher will be going into classes tomorrow with eyebags and running nose.<br />
<br />
hope things go well for you. take care!qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-88150252208248941352016-12-16T11:31:00.001+08:002016-12-16T11:31:10.878+08:00so far, so goodassalam and greetings!<br />
<br />
well hello there! how's life treating you so far? am all good, alhamdulillah. not much to update here but there's a need for me to revisit the old posts and have a good laugh. what on earth had i posted before? kenapa rasa macam blogger ini bersifat keanak-anakan sangat postnya :,D<br />
<br />
nevermind, i'm not gonna delete those posts, i'm gonna read those again and again and wonder how far i have come to get this far :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i think that will make a good quick update from me, got works waiting to be done! till then, hope things turn out well for you guys too! keep calm and have a good day everyone :)qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-33430067578520519232016-09-18T23:39:00.000+08:002016-09-18T23:39:28.112+08:00school holidaysit's 11 p.m., tomorrow is the first day school reopens after the school holidays and here, a teacher is updating her blog. please, she needs a life too. pft<br />
<br />
school holidays could actually brings in so many emotions - well, it could be positive or negative.<br />
<br />
let's just be honest about this.<br />
<br />
cuti sekolah can actually be so exciting yet so, frustrating.<br />
<br />
exciting in a way i enjoy my free time doing things i love - sleeping, watching movie, hanging out with favourite persons, etc. (mostly things i don't do during school days) i can go to bed as early as 9 p.m. without having any regrets the next morning sebab tak siapkan lesson plan, tak prepare worksheet, dan sebagainya. plus, i don't have to think about the workload - ini cigu memang tara kisah ini worang, waktu cuti dia memang cuti betui. <br />
<br />
the dark side of it?<br />
<br />
not really that 'dark' but trust me... you won't understand until you're in my shoes.<br />
<br />
it's the fifth musim after all the seasons we have in Malaysia. musim kemarau, musim tengkujuh, musim buah, musim jerebu and..... *drum rolls*<br />
<br />
musim kenduri!<br />
<br />
waktu usia di awal 20-an, tengah famous orang kahwin muda, i was in that bandwagon too. rasa macam, "oh sweetnye! boleh study sesame, boleh grad sesame," until i realize... no, this might be okay to some but not for me. i have dreams to fulfill, i still have to achieve something in my life then only i can think of this. since then, i tried to keep this low. <br />
<br />
now that i've already secured myself a job, i began to wonder.. what's next?<br />
<br />
and this is the time where i feel i am all alone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
most friends of my age are now getting married (or at least getting engaged), some even have 2 babies already and what are you doing, Qistina? still babysit the school kids yang balik lambat asking "Kenapa balik lambat? Nak teacher hantar ke?"<br />
<br />
you would probably say i'm selfish. no, i see myself as a normal human being. blame the hormones and the trend, i know i shouldn't question what Allah has planned for me. tak, i'm not questioning anything. i just wanted to feel i'm doing good, i'm doing just fine by being single. i need to know that it's okay not to be in a relationship, just yet. everyone around me (mostly) are holding their babies and i'm still wondering, "baby tidur berapa jam dalam sehari?" I need to feel that it is absolutely fine, and that's it.<br />
<br />
kalau dulu i would feel offended when people ask, "Bila lagi nak kahwin ni?", now i can just smile and "doa-doakanlah, inshaAllah"<br />
<br />
<br />
cuma bila sampai satu masa yang mana akan ada perasaan tak enak. seperti tak normal bila berada dalam kalangan rakan sebaya yang dah berumah tangga dan you're all alone by yourself, just thinking "is it okay for me not to have what they have?" that thought really kills me, inside.<br />
<br />
i believe only girls would feel this way and for that, let's just blame the hormones. waktu type ni pun boleh sebak, memang hati tisu ini worang huhu qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-58369086218434149602016-06-22T10:15:00.002+08:002016-06-22T10:15:46.099+08:00Ramadhan issuei should be filling in the band and TP for my PBS data right now, but we do need breaks in between work. (i know i'm good at making up excuses)<br />
<br />
so, hello and assalamualaikum everyone! it has been ages *echo* since i last carve something here. well, blame the time and the endless work - be it at school or home, both really take up most of my time, that's why they say work for a living *smirks*<br />
<br />
so how things going on for you? as for me, so far, all good - the first half of the year has gone (time flies so fast i thought i just posted something on school was about to start) and it's already the second term of the year! yeay to what you did great and try again to all dissappointment you might have last time. <br />
<br />
now we're in Ramadhan, the most awaiting month of all. a month of which i strongly believe test you as a real muslim - the patience, the pain, the strong will and whether you can be a better one in the next 11 months. <br />
<br />
but there are things i feel sorry for this time.<br />
<br />
non-muslims were not allowed to eat in front of the muslims just because "hey, we're fasting over here, please have some respect,"<br />
<br />
LIKE REALLY? are you serious, are you getting affected with the action as if your imaan really depends on seeing other people eat and that's it? do you think the non-muslims aren't human after all? don't they have to eat? don't they have to fulfill their Maslow's theory of needs that they HAVE to eat in order to survive? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE I TOTALLY CANNOT BRAIN THIS.<br />
<br />
Rasulullah even do good to non muslims. it's actually a way to dakwah - we're giving them the true impression of Islam. we treat them nicely, help them when they in need and show a good example of a Muslim. some of the nons even have the courtesy to ask "is it okay if i sip my drink, teacher?" during classes and here you are, being the selfish one thinking all about yourself. aren't you ashamed of how you carry the name of Islam?<br />
<br />
i seldom say things like this in public because i think it is unnecessary to point out things you can't change, but this is getting worsened. <br />
<br />
when i was in nz, we had our Ramadhan during the term - means classes are still on, the datelines are as scheduled. it was amazing to hear some of the lecturers acknowledge the fact that we're fasting - they kept asking "how's your fasting so far? what time will you break fast?" and tried not to consume any food in front of us muslims. that was really thoughtful, and i felt very warm and welcomed in their country. <br />
<br />
the point is, we should be considerate and tolerant enough to our non-muslim friends - they're doing a favour to us actually by trying to live in peace and harmony. <br />
<br />
please please, let's check back our imaan and faith. are we really potraying how a muslim should be?<br />
qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-40755502152840462142016-02-13T00:10:00.000+08:002016-02-13T00:10:21.230+08:00nothing much, just..you're doing well, right?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
either i worry too much or it's school holidays i got more free time to even have a thought about you<br />
<br />
take care!qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-52030894878120981242016-02-01T23:52:00.001+08:002016-02-01T23:52:40.984+08:00how's your weekend?so, erm.. i guess i better start writing here since i need to spill whatever i have in mind.<br />
<br />
weekends, so far so good, i'm glad i have fully made use of it before the extra classes start somewhere in mid feb! oh gosh it's not that i hate tuition, i just dislike the fact that i'll be having half-day Saturday and probably another half-day of Sunday, who knows something might get in (LDPs, all sorts of events)<br />
<br />
the ideal Sunday for me would be just laying on the bed, doing nothing or probably doing activities at my own pace, taking that sweet little time enjoying every moment. rather than having to rush here and there, i'd prefer it to be at leisure; kalau nak outing or go shopping pun, takyah kalut kalut, settle things that need to be done first, then only baru keluar.<br />
<br />
tapi cukup pantang kalau hari Ahad ajak keluar. <br />
<br />
sebab konon macam eh esok nak pegi sekolah kan, kenapa nak keluar? why don't get yourself prepared mentally and emotionally for Monday and the blues?<br />
<br />
<br />
i better get some sleep now. till thenqiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-12907639493155118802016-01-24T18:35:00.001+08:002016-01-24T18:35:40.275+08:00and that was the hardest goodbye, everthe fact that we are not promised to see each other again or we would have another next time,<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
now that explains why i hesitate in bidding farewell.<br />
<br />
i better keep the words safe. <br />
<br />
semoga yang baik baik untuk kamu.qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-82286109663353891162015-12-29T22:15:00.000+08:002015-12-29T22:15:14.655+08:00sekolah kata mari, katil kata pergi<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i never thought going to school would be this... *tarik nafas* exciting. <br />
<br />
<br />
read it thousand times in a very low tone. you'll understand this feeling of i've-been-to-school-from-Year1-till-now.<br />
<br />
BACK TO SCHOOL, PEOPLE! wish me the very best of everything, hope i don't mess this year up >.<'<br />
<br />
hoping things would turn out to be good for you too! take care, see you when i see you! :)qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-14864943145022061722015-12-27T22:04:00.003+08:002015-12-27T22:04:57.236+08:00girls by the age of 25 should be getting a permanent forever-i-will-annoy-you room mate. bincangkan.assalam and hello there! well i know no one is reading, stop pretending like you've got readers la, that's SO lame :p<br />
<br />
but i need a place to spill what's inside my head, i can't let the topic goes wandering in my mind keep haunting me all days and nights, okay should stop this drama -.-'<br />
<br />
at my age right now, i think it is completely fine for me to talk on this. i mean, come on, you're 25, everyone of your age is either getting engaged, married, or even counting days to be in the labour room. plus you're a girl, every makciks will (obviously, definitely) ask you questions like "hang bila lagi?" or "dah ada (boypren) ka?" or "bila nak jadi menantu makcik?"<br />
<br />
okay yang last tu rekaan semata-mata :p<br />
<br />
believe me or not, every girl who have heard of those questions feels this way;<br />
<br />
we are so sick of those, like bloated, like nak muntah dengar, like whatever.<br />
<br />
come on, our life is not all about those. we have so many more to achieve, we have our own wants and dreams, could you makciks please give us some space and not getting into our nerves?<br />
<br />
<br />
i am NOT mad, this is not me getting mad being asked over and over again, truth is.. i have it enough to think about.<br />
<br />
this is a serious matter, i don't want to get into this kelam kabut just to follow the trend, fulfilling the society's expectation that girls by the age of 25 should be getting married.<br />
<br />
and i (strongly) believe i don't look like the one with that age yet :p <br />
<br />
so dear makciks, here's a thoughtful piece of mind for you.<br />
<br />
how would you feel if people ask you,<br />
"bila agaknya makcik nak mati ye?"<br />
<br />
i didn't mean to be mean at all, but that's the damn truth. we don't know what's in the future but we do know the One who holds it. harap makcik masih merasakan saya akan jadi menantu yang baik walaupun bukan menantu makcik hihihi<br />
<br />
(off record)<br />
tipu lah if i say i have never thought of that before. it IS normal for us girls, to have those dreams of having a life partner. but i prefer mine to be at its own pace. let the time decide and let He does what He does best, for He is the Best planner. :)<br />
qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-26584612272952148462015-12-06T23:32:00.001+08:002015-12-06T23:32:21.532+08:00more matured posts, please.salaam and hello world!<br />
<br />
i know it has been agessss since i last wrote here, on a serious note, i was fully occupied with too many things - especially school stuffs. well, well, let's just forget about school for a while, shall we?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
erm.. where were we just now?<br />
<br />
time's getting late, i think i'll just tell you later, okay?<br />
<br />
toodles!<br />
<br />
qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-3827143761607529762015-10-15T19:22:00.000+08:002015-10-15T19:22:11.073+08:00wordsin a deep mess right now.<br />
<br />
fyi, today is not my day.<br />
<br />
taktau nak start dari mana. rasa nak nangis je, laju laju. seriously, i fail miserably when it comes to holding back tears.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
rasa macam banyak sangat benda nak fikir,<br />
<br />
rasa sangat kesian dengan anak murid. i've been neglecting them since the past 2 weeks. 4-8/10, went to a course. 9/10 takde kelas. the following week, ade ceramah, all sorts of programme. today i need to be in-charge of the programme at school. esok, ada camping, also in-charge. feel so bad, you know. you are the teacher, but do you teach? <br />
<br />
do YOU teach, qistina? <br />
<br />
i did give the work to do during my absence. tapi seriously... buku pun teacher tak sempat mark, how about the handouts? plus, next week is the exam week. rasa sangat kesian to the kids. they didn't have proper lessons for the past few weeks. do you feel me? the guilty feeling for not being able to provide them with what they should be given :(<br />
<br />
politik di sekolah. this, i hate to say this, but rasa macam taknak jadi adult and bersusah payah fikir pasal orang lain while they are not considering us at all. when it comes to camping or any event that need the teacher to stay overnight, i don't have to ask what's my duty. to be honest, i don't mind (really!) if kena stay overnight pun, provided that the names yang kena overnight pun willing to do so. i don't mind. at all. <br />
<br />
but the issue here is..... once your name are there, tak boleh ke cooperate, do your part? instead of giving lame excuses or not giving any excuse at all, tak boleh ke nak bagi kerjasama, BUAT PART AWAK? or at least, negotiate or exchange role dengan orang lain. "Oh, saya tak boleh datang la, ada hal."<br />
<br />
APE INGAT AWAK JE KE ADE HAL? ORANG LAIN TAKDE HAL? ORANG LAIN BOLEH JE LA LUPAKAN HAL MEREKA DAN DATANG BERMALAM/BUAT DUTY?<br />
<br />
i really hate to say this but being an adult is so tiresome. i thought "okayla, takpela just berkorban la, pegi tido semalam je kan," although my name is not in the list untuk stay overnight. but no one cares. i mean, ye la. kan qistina tak kawen lagi, takde komitmen, takde anak. <br />
<br />
habis, kena kawen kena ade anak semua ke baru tak payah buat duty/ stay overnight? so, i really need to get married cepat cepat ke? i memang takde family eh? ibu ayah, tok, abang adik, life. memang i takde semua semua tu kan?<br />
<br />
tu tak campur orang cakap belakang lagi. imagine... kalau dia boleh cakap belakang pasal orang lain dekat kita... sangatlah not possible dia naka cakap belakang pasal kita kan. ah abaikan. malas fikir, buat berat memory je.<br />
<br />
next issue; kadang kadang rasa diri ni macam ter-over baik hati. ter-over baik hati is not good. why? sebab orang akan ambil kesempatan. at first, i always think about doing good to others and Allah will help us later. tapi entahla. contoh paling simple; tadi waktu beli makanan. orang ramai kat kedai tu, so i waited for my turn. dah pilih lauk semua, i stood at the corner of the table. then came this lady, terus suruh kira lauk dia. "okay takpe, dia nak cepat tu kot," sambil senyum. takpe.. then after that, datang lagi another career-woman. yela i kan pakai selekeh je, dah rupa bibik, so mesti lah career-woman dapat dulu servis. "takpe, dia penat balik keje kot," then came another woman. time ni muka teacher dah kelat sikit sikit tapi still senyum. "okay, hold on qistina, sabar sabar," pastu datang lagi sepasang suami isteri sambil suruh kira lauk diorang.<br />
<br />
<br />
time ni syaitan dah cucuk. <br />
<br />
<br />
"dia ni tak nampak ke aku dah tercongok depan ni punya main lama? dahla harini bad day, mentang mentang la selekeh, nampak muka budak budak, buat nampak tak nampak je. ni rasa patut pegi kereta terus ke cemane ni"<br />
<br />
<br />
can you imagine... i had such thought just now :(<br />
<br />
if i were to tell all the problems, buat curahan hati, i know people will give remarks like "ala, sabar je la, nak buat macamane" "tu la hang, tak stand for your right, bagi muka sangat, pastu kena buli, balik rumah, stress"<br />
<br />
that.. is not what i expected to get. so please. give me some space and time to recover. rasa macam harini teruk sangat, sabar dah ke mana, memang rasa nak off je henfon at the moment. <br />
<br />
<br />
kadang kadang rasa macam dah give my very best to fit in, but every time things happen, rasa tak boleh terima hakikat. rasa macam dah consider semua orang waktu buat keputusan, tapi orang tak kisah pun pasal kita. rasa macam dah bagi semua yang ada, tapi still rasa useless.<br />
<br />
:(qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-39023732399483367652015-05-22T20:34:00.001+08:002015-05-22T20:34:20.164+08:00can't wait to get lost in my own world2 months feels like 2 days ago (well, sort of)<br />
<br />
too many things happened, i've met the nicest people on earth, lost the usual appetite (current weight below forty), been running here and there doing things i should be doing, messing up the workplace table (got bundles of papers, files, exercise books, you name it) and so many things i couldn't say it all here.<br />
<br />
my life mantra now is; "Ibu, ina tak larat la..." and i say it everyday without fail, i know i am a bad teacher...<br />
<br />
the fact that Mum is retiring soon, this August makes it even worse for me. how could she leave me having to deal with this career for another 34 years, alone? Dad is another case, he's not a part of us two as he deals with the secondary pupils; he doesn't have to yell so much early of the year sampai hilang suara, he doesn't have to run and chase the 'excited' pupils (read: Year 1) and not to mention he works most in his office now. so yeah, i'm losing one of my close colleagues at home now :(<br />
<br />
forget about the previous post, i think i've bottled up too many things lately and that could be the reason for my frequent illness and MCs huhu<br />
<br />
i like teaching, i love the kids so much that i've promised to myself to give the best i can to provide the best learning experience to them. but somehow, things just don't go the way you want them to be. too tired to even think, i can say planning a lesson would be the last thing on my mind at the end of the day :(<br />
<br />
how am i going to survive the rest of the years? i thought teaching is all fun and exciting to both teacher and pupils, i really thought so :(<br />
<br />
while writing this, believe it or not, i feel like crying like a baby and just that.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
long way to go and you have to endure it. please. you are here because Allah wants you to be here, you'll be fine, just fine.qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-14103560621007101922015-03-22T22:22:00.001+08:002015-03-22T22:22:57.602+08:00almost a yeari won't stay long here, just letting you know i'm all good, alhamdulillah :)<br />
<br />
despite the workloads the school has to offer, i believe complaining wouldn't do any better. it makes you feel burdened, twice.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
so, hopefully for the next 34 years 1 month of service this teacher would avoid complaining by all means and enjoy the ride! the teaching adventures (well that sounds majestic enough)<br />
<br />
jadi mari doakan semoga ticer ini terus kuat, terus bulatkan azam, empatsegikan tekad, segitigakan niat untuk terus mengajar lillahitaala. :)qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-59710386493381892592015-02-15T23:25:00.001+08:002015-02-15T23:25:11.367+08:00numbat this moment i couldn't think of anything except cuti.<br />
<br />
i've been working so hard these few days, hard in my dictionary means something that i do extra or more than the usual practice.<br />
<br />
just submitted the smm thingy last friday, my weekends were fully booked with school stuffs - Saturday with extra class, extra LDP (Latihan Dalam Perkhidmatan sdn bhd on organising the timetables), Sunday with being cikgu pengiring for the UPSR kids.<br />
<br />
bawak balik buku latihan budak dengan niat nak mark la konon, last-last niat itu menjadi niat memberatkan kereta pergi-balik :(<br />
<br />
and now i am still wide awake editing the lyrics for the school action songs when suddenly the phone beeps.<br />
<br />
"Qistina, dah buat ke soalan untuk kuiz cegah jenayah tahap 1? Esok nak guna tau.."<br />
<br />
adei :(<br />
<br />
esok Qistina lah head of the teachers-on-duty (meaning kena conduct the whole assembly), esok anak murid teacher Qistina lah nak buat performance untuk MBI and etc etc please one thing at a time, please? :(<br />
<br />
i know i shouldn't be here blurting all these words here but for once at least, give me a break in between those, boleh tak?<br />
<br />
tak campur class decoration, sudut decoration. report itu, list ini. rasa macam terriblenya kepala ticer sekarang.<br />
<br />
or am i the one who thinks too much?<br />
<br />
:(<br />
<br />
kadang-kadang rasa nak nangis tu pun buang masa. pastu mula la nangis merata-rata. pastu okay sendiri. pastu gelak-gelak. pastu nangis balik. and the cycle goes on and on and on :(<br />
<br />
should i go to some kind like therapy or what? you tell me, bloggy.qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-12877680136217581252015-01-19T00:00:00.000+08:002015-01-19T00:00:12.979+08:00:(To be honest, i am not feeling good about myself at the moment.<br />
<br />
I have a lot to be done and yet the time is so little that i wanna kerai :'( <br />
<br />
Kelas tak hias lagi, smm tak isi lagi, laporan tak siap lagi, sudut mbi tak update lagi dan banyak lagi yang mungkin ter-slip dari fikiran teacher :(<br />
<br />
Weekdays are longer than usual, weekends are shorter and tak puas and i have this body ache, flu, headache, and everything else you just can't imagine.<br />
<br />
Pimples are everywhere, i couldn't care less but try to work within the time frame, cuba nak siapkan everything on time but there's a voice inside me saying "No you cant do this, alone." :(<br />
<br />
It's just the first week of schooling and i feel so teribble that i want to cry, just cry. :'(<br />
<br />
I didnt expect things to be this way, i mean i'm okay with the responsibilities given but too many of it makes me freak out, like freak out takut tak dapat buat or tertinggal something along the way :(<br />
<br />
It demands a lot from me, the time at home, even when i'm driving i always think and have a conversation inside the head and i think i'm just getting a bit too workaholic here.<br />
<br />
I don't feel good abt myself, i know things may be even worse for others but i am at the lowest point of my life right now, trying to get up and move on :(<br />
<br />
This post is so personal that i know nobody's going to read it anyway, but posting it here somehow help me to let the stress and problems go. <br />
<br />
Hoping a better tomorrow, semangat sikit Qistina, taknak cengeng cengeng dah, you're a big girl nowqiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-27600926670800244412015-01-04T23:39:00.002+08:002015-01-04T23:39:37.075+08:00feelingsi do have feelings. and when i say so, they are genuine and pure. how would i know that for sure?<br />
<br />
because i feel it, with all my heart.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
it was great. i was glad i had the chance to feel it that way. be it positive or negative, i feel lucky to have these feelings.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
time flies, everything keeps changing. but i still feel the same, despite the fact nothing would stay the same. yes, i still do. it's just.. something i don't like to share in public.<br />
<br />
about the feelings. <br />
<br />
i wish i can still keep the feelings. but i am well aware, i cannot put too much hope in this uncertainty. i may be can pray and still keep it close, but no one knows what might happen in the future. <br />
<br />
the thing is, i am trying to be fair to both. to my feelings and to the future i cannot foresee.<br />
<br />
<br />
let's just hope and keep praying hard. that everything's gonna be just fine, in the end.<br />
<br />
it might hit me hard later, i hope i can handle it well. semoga.qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-46560464709812217922015-01-04T21:44:00.004+08:002015-01-04T21:44:37.724+08:00hectic weeks, i love yousalam and greetings all :)<br />
<br />
been neglecting this blog (should i call this 'neglecting'? i still update whattt) since forever -.-<br />
<br />
school hols is almost over, now it's 2015 and more responsibilities coming in.<br />
<br />
here's the list:<br />
1. s/u panitia<br />
2. s/u and penyelaras Sistem Maklumat Murid (budak pindah masuk pindah keluar, sila jumpa saya)<br />
3. pen s/u kaunseling (cikgu sendiri pun perlu kaunseling ni dah acanerrr)<br />
4. s/u and penyelaras Jadual Waktu <br />
5. s/u and penyelaras MBMMBI<br />
<br />
and the unofficial duties and the list goes on and on and on...<br />
<br />
<br />
am definitely not complaining, but having to think of it in a way "How can i survive the year with this list of work and duties?"<br />
<br />
ini tanggungjawab. i don't ask for it, i was given this list. the feeling is, i hope i would never fail to fulfill these. <br />
<br />
so when you see me posting KFC on insta, the continous tweets about the longest day i've ever been and such, just have mercy.<br />
<br />
give me good words and i'll be glad to see the positive replies :)<br />
<br />
<br />
and more deep thoughts will be coming in the next post, inshaAllah. you just wait :p<br />
<br />
p/s : any tips for not skipping the lunch? i can guarantee me being skinnier after this with longer working hours at school and not getting proper meal scheduled >.<'qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-83222266035299339932015-01-01T00:04:00.001+08:002015-01-01T00:04:15.760+08:00what i feel right nowHey hey it's already 2015!<br />
<br />
I've got a lot to spill over but i need to find the laptop first. So stay tuned, prolly will update more before the school starts!<br />
<br />
Till then. Take care sweetheartsqiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-56447190860268633052014-11-22T19:28:00.000+08:002014-11-22T19:28:02.287+08:00serabut yang maha.Sungguh. Kalau airmata mampu jadi saksi for what ive been through. Pasti airmata itu pun tak sanggup. Too many things to be done, too many people to satisfy, too little time. <br />
<br />
<br />
At one point, rasa nak bebai, tinggai segala galanya, go to the place where nobody would recognize me and just live. And i mean every words i just wrote. <br />
<br />
Ya Allah, pinjamkanlah sedikit kekuatan untuk hambaMu yang lemah. Sedikit ketabahan untuk makhlukMu yang tak sabar. Dan sedikit ketenangan untuk hari yang serabut. :(qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-16604133959668830412014-11-05T20:42:00.002+08:002014-11-05T20:42:37.081+08:00sikit je.Saya cuma tengah sedih sikit je.<br />
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<br />
<br />
Tapi takpela. Okay je ni nanti. Take care.qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-41466836920586328262014-10-29T23:51:00.002+08:002014-10-29T23:52:53.300+08:00still breathing, did I miss anything? i have a lot to tell!<br />
<br />
but heck no, if i write now, i'd probably spend the whole night staying up and i've got a school to run tomorrow! huwarghhh<br />
<br />
so stay tuned, keep updated with your latest news. will be spilling over the things when i've got free time, kayyy?<br />
<br />
<br />
keep calm and yeahhh school holidays is coming! *jogetjoget*qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-433338931435871870.post-66494226110320197162014-09-21T22:58:00.002+08:002014-09-21T22:58:50.265+08:00teacher needs longer break!tomorrow is monday and i don't feel like going to school. :(<br />
<br />
this career needs me to be more robot than the robot itself. 24/7 all about education, it's not like i'm complaining, this is just the beginning but i find it quite hard for a newbie like me.<br />
<br />
to be honest, i miss the time when i see teachers as teachers. murid respect cikgu, murid excel dengan cemerlang eventhough you didn't get to go to extra class (as compared to kids nowadays).<br />
<br />
even more, the hi-tech gadgets that brings the kids to a new level. i mean, come on, how can you expect the kids to listen to you in class when they are in front of the computers and stuffs? not to mention how they look down to us (especially the teacher who know less about hi tech stuffs hmph).<br />
<br />
talking about the misbehaviours. at my time, you rarely see pupils with such problems. yeah probably ada few, but not as much as now. in my school for example, ada budak yang tak hadir for the whole year. (exceptionally present for penyampaian wang bantuan hmph). then bila UPSR mengada ngada mintak buat exam kat rumah. i was like... oh my... so spoiled brat. that was just a few. ada banyaaaaaaaaaaaaak lagi yang you do not wish to know, i can guarantee you.<br />
<br />
how i see myself being a teacher back then was so.. different from what i see now.<br />
<br />
probably i should consider myself, it is up to me now either to completely follow the bandwagon and ruin the whole society, or start new and make improvement as much as possible.<br />
<br />
give me.. some time to adjust to this. mohon doanya, teacher pun kadang kadang jiwa tak kental jugak ni.<br />
<br />
why Monday, why tomorrow? *lari belakang pintu nangis taknak terima kenyataan*qiStinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17063595687188573200noreply@blogger.com0