She's gonna wait..

Friday, December 1, 2017

quick update!

Salam, hi, hello, konichiwa everyone!

it's been a long dayyyy, without you my friend eh ternyanyi pula lagu fast and furious :')

Well, well. What have you been up to?

As for me, sekarang tengah cuti sekolah. Which means, a break from everything about school, reports, and everything.

To be honest, the thoughts (well, you know.. the 'thoughts' that keep wandering ever since) are still there. It's just i don't feed those thoughts already. Not that i'm tired of it, just.. i feel i have a lot more to be done. The time is running out, we will be leaving this world soon, so why bother thinking about things that are beyond our control?

At times i do feel like giving up life, after all these. Seeing people's update on social media somehow makes me think - will i ever get the chance to feel the same way? The look - the happy, full of joy look seen on their face. It's just..... worth to be thought for a second.

Life is not all about those. You won't be happy when you yourself question everything around you. You won't feel enough and satisfied of your life, until you yourself find the joy living in it, your way. Not by comparing yours to others, no.

So now, i think it's better to focus on enjoying what we have now and just live the life to the fullest - with the highlight of the purpose of our life here - to please the One and the Only, the One who never fails to give you all the blessings you need and deserve and yet He's the one you always forget when you're on top of the world.

I guess this is not quick update anymore :") i should pen off now, got works waiting! Till then, take care everyone, stay safe! :)

Saturday, July 29, 2017

to do list

assalamualaikum, hi, hello, konichiwa, wapucitau

it's 29th July already, time flies fast, less than 2 months for UPSR! *insert emoji freaked out* this teacher masih procrastinate, right in front of her laptop, well.. hey, tengah draft buku program hari anugerah okay? this is just sambil menyelam minum air - excuses, excuses :p

well, here's my to-do list:

1. draf buku program - ketua ok, ketua :')
2. rph - as usual, mesti lompong lompong pastu hantar pagi isnin, malam ahad baru pulun :")
3. print sijil budak - ni dah macam bertangguh lama gilsss zzz
4. kahwin

no 4 tu memain je, prince charming tengah sesat tak jumpa jalan. takpa aih, this teacher wouldn't mind waiting for-tak-kisah-berapa-lama-lagi-pun as long as kebahagiaan milik semua insan, gituh

enough of merepek-ing, need to get back on track! see you soon okay :))

Sunday, June 18, 2017

rasa ini

Rasa ini
hadir dalam pelbagai bentuk
Ada yang senyum
Ada yang bingung
Ada yang murung

Kadang aku sendiri tersesat
Dalam hutan belantara perasaan ini
Antara redah dan selamatkan diri
Atau biar dan berharap diselamatkan

Berada di persimpangan ini
Sungguh aku buntu
Apa perlu kuteruskan kepura-puraan ini
Terus berlagak gagah perkasa menongkah dunia
Atau jatuh dan bangkit semula pergi
Pergi dari semua yang sakit

Bantu aku
Tunjukkan aku jalan
Jalan untuk keluar dari hutan tebal ini
Yang semakin menyesakkan dada melemahkan jiwa
Bantulah aku yang hina dina ini

Sunday, February 26, 2017

no, you don't understand what i have been through

have no idea how i ended up here. got tonnes of work - 3 exam papers to be set, tomorrow's worksheet, unpacking the emotional baggage, and etc. yet, here i am, procrastinating at my best.

it's towards the end of february and i would say i started the year 2017 from the wrong side of bed. these 2 months have been a bumpy roller-coaster ride - i couldn't tell the whole story here, words just can't express it.

with school and family stuffs, i thought my life would be pretty occupied. weekdays were filled with piles of books to be marked, the reports that need to be submitted online, the emotional thoughts and feelings like "Should i do this? Should i avoid this?", scheduled extra classes, those unnecessary work-related matters but really matter to my eyes, so many more not to mention. my weekdays evening routines would be taking Mumsie out running errands, bring her to clinics when she has sorethroat, regular visits to night markets, everyday-must-go-to-different-places-just-to-pay-different-bills (i just don't understand why it can't be done in one go), unplanned window shopping to Mydin and Sunshine... too tired to even think of those. still, so far, i'm doing good. just, good.

weekends - half of my saturday would be at school, 2 extra classes from 8-12.15 p.m. usually i went home straightaway, all drained up and i would just call it a day. mentally exhausted, to stay up at nights is almost impossible. here comes the sunday, mornings would be family time attending a ceramah, till afternoon and that's it. i prefer to stay at home afterwards. which tells me i'm getting older by age and physical. so sad :')

i wouldn't mind if things go like this forever.. as long as people don't ask me questions i don't have the answers.

you know... like...

"Ni bila lagi?"

"Dah 27 tahun dah ni, bila kawan kamu nak datang rumah?"

"Bila nak makan nasi minyak ni?

Seriously. Guys.


to be honest, i think i had this enough. i feel so sick just hearing those questions even if it is meant just to 'manis mulut'. you know... i've been dealing with lots of life crisis, problems, joy and sorrows, can you just stop adding salt to the wound?

i really wish i could give you the answers you want to hear..... really. you never know the struggles in me, trying to put up smiles and pretend to feel good about nothing - that's the best i could respond. not that i did not take the efforts, trust me... i wish i myself know the answers.....

i could not hint you anything... not in the near future...... so can you please, please, please... stop putting this unintentionally pressure on me which makes me at guilt for not 'following the trend' "hey, your friends are all now starting new phases of life, when will be yours?"

somehow for some reasons, i really wish i could end up just being alone and not being a burden to anybody. think i'd better stop writing or this teacher will be going into classes tomorrow with eyebags and running nose.

hope things go well for you. take care!