serabut yang maha.

Sungguh. Kalau airmata mampu jadi saksi for what ive been through. Pasti airmata itu pun tak sanggup. Too many things to be done, too many people to satisfy, too little time.


At one point, rasa nak bebai, tinggai segala galanya, go to the place where nobody would recognize me and just live. And i mean every words i just wrote.

Ya Allah, pinjamkanlah sedikit kekuatan untuk hambaMu yang lemah. Sedikit ketabahan untuk makhlukMu yang tak sabar. Dan sedikit ketenangan untuk hari yang serabut. :(

sikit je.

Saya cuma tengah sedih sikit je.



Tapi takpela. Okay je ni nanti. Take care.

still breathing, did I miss anything?

i have a lot to tell!

but heck no, if i write now, i'd probably spend the whole night staying up and i've got a school to run tomorrow! huwarghhh

so stay tuned, keep updated with your latest news. will be spilling over the things when i've got free time, kayyy?


keep calm and yeahhh school holidays is coming! *jogetjoget*

teacher needs longer break!

tomorrow is monday and i don't feel like going to school. :(

this career needs me to be more robot than the robot itself. 24/7 all about education, it's not like i'm complaining, this is just the beginning but i find it quite hard for a newbie like me.

to be honest, i miss the time when i see teachers as teachers. murid respect cikgu, murid excel dengan cemerlang eventhough you didn't get to go to extra class (as compared to kids nowadays).

even more, the hi-tech gadgets that brings the kids to a new level. i mean, come on, how can you expect the kids to listen to you in class when they are in front of the computers and stuffs? not to mention how they look down to us (especially the teacher who know less about hi tech stuffs hmph).

talking about the misbehaviours. at my time, you rarely see pupils with such problems. yeah probably ada few, but not as much as now. in my school for example, ada budak yang tak hadir for the whole year. (exceptionally present for penyampaian wang bantuan hmph). then bila UPSR mengada ngada mintak buat exam kat rumah. i was like... oh my... so spoiled brat. that was just a few. ada banyaaaaaaaaaaaaak lagi yang you do not wish to know, i can guarantee you.

how i see myself being a teacher back then was so.. different from what i see now.

probably i should consider myself, it is up to me now either to completely follow the bandwagon and ruin the whole society, or start new and make improvement as much as possible.

give me.. some time to adjust to this. mohon doanya, teacher pun kadang kadang jiwa tak kental jugak ni.

why Monday, why tomorrow? *lari belakang pintu nangis taknak terima kenyataan*

current updates

i've been neglecting this blog since forever.

yeah right.

just a quick update,

hey, i'm still alive!

i'm now teaching in my hometown, school is just 15-20 minutes away driving from home, and i guess i'm doing pretty good over there.

and officially a graduate last Tues.

alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah the Almighty! :)



semoga Allah terus kurniakan semua dengan kebaikan! take care peeps, i have a life to live hihihi

a new phase is about to begin :)

it feels like baru semalam je aku post pasal menganggur. 2-3 hari lepas kot eh?

just to share this news, alhamdulillah dah dapat posting!

and it's in penang! ya Allah do you really know how it feels to be back home, after so many years kat tempat orang?

10 years away from home, and Allah has given me the best place finally! do you feel me?


keep me in your duas, semoga teacher newbie ni terus baik baik saja, tak kisah la whatever happens next.

p/s : lapor diri is on 1/4. atleast sempatla cuti seminggu dulu eh hihi

pe-nanam anggur-an at its best

it's almost 2 weeks since my last day as cikgu ganti, and i'm glad i have everyday to spend at home! at last :)

not that i don't enjoy working with children, school or anything, but i do feel i need a time break from Ticer or Ustazah (as kids always called me hihi).

now that i am a full time housewife, i dedicated myself fully at burning the kitchen, tapi takdela hebak mane pun, janji boleh makan halalan toyyiban, gituh kan :p

and what more, i can do baking! expenses orang sponsor, what's left just mix all the flour, eggs, butter, and voilaaa! syok baking jeee, and i just loveeee cupcakes. :)

time as penganggur could be the best time to spend at home, you'll never know where will you be tomorrow, or the day after, or next month. seriously.

so right here right now, i'm trying to fully utilize my time as penganggur. well, life couldn't be better than this :)

how teacher survive another day

i know it's lame when it comes to me, telling stories about what's going on, here and there. boring or not, who cares. i'm gonna share what i've been through so far, as a teacher.

dealing with this class of year 3, of which the teachers akan salute kalau boleh bagi senyap even for just a minute, have made me realize, i've got so many things to learn.

the very first approach used; bila tengok budak budak ni cikgu cikgu pun dah takdak harapan, "Korang nak main? Haaa, mainlah, ikut suka hati la nak buat ape, janji jangan bertumbuk, jangan buat kes disiplin. Itu je." and i still have that hope, yang diorang ni need a different approach. i call it 'kasih sayang'. so i end up guna approach lembut, panggil nama sorang sorang, try to remain cool the whole lesson tanpa naik suara. i even promise them weekly rewards (like chocolate bars, candies) sebagai token kalau diorang berjaya keep themselves behave and focused, up to my expectations. (well, these kids, i can't expect a drastic change, just pelan pelan, at slow pace, janji diorang willing untuk try)

the next thing i do, if the first approach tak berkesan, is i try to put myself in their shoes. thinking that they might get bored, trying to focus on the lesson one after another, i'll make sure ada short games or attention-seeking game. lagipun, diorang pun manusia biasa, they need to feel the fun in learning, they have to enjoy their language lesson, or else there's no point putting up such a well-planned lesson plan, trust me. so for me, i introduce this one game called Freeze! Melt! alaaa, game dulu dulu jadi beku pastu cair tuuu. easy, explain the rules, and start playing! i even try using this game waktu diorang bising yang tak dapat control, when i say Freeze!, they all go freezing. and that's the best time i give the next instruction, for example "Okay, lepas ticer cakap Melt!, ticer nak semua orang balik tempat masing masing, okay?" and it work, so far :)

and the last, final thing i would do (especially bila kelas dah out of control and i can't scream anymore, nobody's gonna hear me anyway) is psycho-ing. this approach, i can't predict the outcomes, but so far they all turn to angels when i do this :p well at least for the first ten minutes, listening to me nagging. i don't want to call it nagging, but sounds like it. i just knew i had this hidden talent of psycho-ing the kids spontaneously! standard ayat eh... banyak.

"Kamu nak jadi apa? Pilot? Kamu ingat pilot ni terbang dalam negara je? Kalau tak reti BI, pilot nak cakap bahasa apa? Bahasa Tamil?"
"Ayah kamu keje ape? Nelayan? Mak? Tak keje? Habis? Kamu datang sekolah, mak ayah kamu ingat kamu belajar. Penat penat dia pegi laut tangkap ikan, kamu boleh main macamni? Kamu ni sayang ke tak kat mak ayah ni? Hah?"
"Belajar nombor waktu bila? 6 tahun? Habis sekarang kalau ticer suruh eja, reti? 3 tahun kamu belajar nombor, apa yang kamu buat? Eja nombor one, two three tak tahu. Nak jawab apa exam?"
"Ni ticer nak mintak tolong. Dengaq elok elok. TICER YANG MINTAK TOLONG HANGPA NI. TOLONG NAH, tolong hafal ejaan nombor ni. Selalu anak murid mintak tolong cikgu. Ni cikgu mintak tolong anak murid. Tolong sangat sangat, ticer mintak tolong sangat sangat nih."
"Kamu bukan tak pandai. Allah bagi otak kat semua orang, bukan saja saja Dia bagi. Guna! Sebab tu mai sekolah. Sebab nak belajaq. Main boleh, tapi belajaq pun kena mau jugak. Pikiaq!"

to be honest, banyak lagi sebenarnya. but these are just few.

seriously, i don't have the intention nak torture, abuse or anything that has to do dengan kes sekarang. i need to do this to you kids, because i love you at the first sight. orang lain mungkin fikir you're a burden to the society, besar besar nanti these are the people yang akan jadi penganggur, penyangak etc. i want to change that sceptical mind about you, kids. i know, each and every of you have your own potentials. you're the only hope we have for a better future generation.

i have a lot more to say, kids. but my eyes wont let me stay too long here, my left leg gets cramped too often lately (pressing the clutch at its best) and fever is coming for a visit. i guess it's time for bed, teacher. waktu tertidur teacher sekarang ni, sekian berita dunia guru melaporkan.

pujuk hati :)

that one important question you asked before leaving, yet you might not realize it..

explains how she survived.

thank you :)

sabar tau, kerana dalam sabar ada ganjarannya. terus doa eh :)

Bargain-It-Right! (say it like Spell-It-Right)

today is Saturday. what makes it extra special is.. i get to attend my bestfriend's wedding! (even tak sempat jumpa) well.. due to certain circumstances, i had to go back early.

first, sebab datang dengan private driver or known as big bro, i couldn't stay any longer than pegi jumpa cikgu Pauzi dan mak Pika, makan, jumpa few batchmates (Najah, Fatin Syafiqah, Mira, Ten Yaya) and terus naik kereta. second thing, nak umpan driver pegi Padang Besar cari jersi, tu konon upah dia la sebab drive dari penang sampai perlis 140kmsejam. gitu kan

so, dah setel kenduri tu, off we went to Padang Besar. and here's the thing; the place where you need to bargain wisely! tak percaya? lantak hangpa ahhh, ada aku kesah? haha

berdasarkan pemerhatian aku selama hidupnya aku, i've seen how people bargain. contoh paling dekat; ibu. and from her, i learn few useful tips untuk dapatkan harga berpatutan sejajar dengan peningkatan taraf hidup rakyat malaysia sekarang. gituh kan diskusi pembangunan ummah sangat

sharing is caring!

#1 half price offered.
bajet bajet harga dia rm50, cuba try test (dah cuba, try pulak, test lagi pastu) letak harga half price; rm 25. try je, pastu jangan lupa buat muka mengharap penuh simpati. lagi bagus kalau selit ayat ayat kipas sikit, "Abang tahu, ini kedai first saya nampak. Terus saya datang sini, sebab nampak tuan kedai hensem sangat." Haaa sudah, ni matlamat terpesong, jangan tiru aksi ini ye adik adik sekalian.
the thing is, cuba dulu half price. then bila nampak muka tokey ketat semacam, upkan sikit harga. haaa, win-win situation kan? tapi jangan pegi kurang harga takat dua tiga hinggit, memang huntunglaaa tokey kedai tu haaa

#2 compare and contrast.
haa dah berkenan baju kurung corak paisley ni, buat buatlah macam tengah compare harga dengan kedai kedai lain. contoh; "Eh baju ni sama macam kedai haritu kan? Kedai haritu harga dia less 50 kot, ni apehal mahal bebeno nih? Tak faham betol". komfem tokey kedai tu defensive pastu cakap, "Eh manede mahal dik, ni boleh kurang lagi nih. Adik nak kurang berapa?"
magic kan? hihihi

#3 customer is always right, and forever use this right
kalau dah nampak tokey kedai ni degil semacam je, taknak kurang harga langsung, try this method call 'reverse psychology'. haha method ni, ayah aku selalu guna. kalau dah kedekut sangat nak huntung je memanjang, okayfine. "Jom ah kita pi carik kedai lain, kedai ni dahla mahal, tak boleh turun langsung." atau ini, "You bagi kurang, i beli. Talak kulang, talak beli, you talak untung. Habis celita." terus dia buat offer macam macam! haaa kan dah betul customer is always right :p

selamat mencuba! well, untuk kesejahteraan hidup manusia sejagat, tips tips ceni kena la selalu share, ye dok? hihihi

i too, have hard times

"This week is the hardest."

direct this week je yang susah. dah kalau ada 52 minggu dalam setahun? tak ke 52 minggu yang paling susah?

i had this conversation with mum last few days. ibu cakap, kalau time aku je, mesti ade je payahnya. ade je halangan. ade je rintangan. tak kisah la cane cara sekali pun, tapi mesti kena ade part part struggle tu.

dari waktu pregnant lagi ibu cerita, cane waktu tu ayah tengah sambung study. nak jadi cerita, awal awal pregnancy, semua lancar. until the last trisemester (term bantai je), doctor said there were complications. probability untuk gugur tinggi, and this baby degil songsang. and that doctor sangatlah harsh, sampai halau ibu yang sepatutnya rehat kat hospital balik rumah, since hospital couldn't afford to entertain outpatient macam ibu. to cut the story short, ibu pun decided, okay jom beranak kat kampung halaman ibu, kat aloq setaq. since waktu tu arwah tokwan masih ada, and tok masih sihat, ada jugak orang nak tengok tengokkan ibu.

ayah pulak waktu tu tengah nak exam. maklumlah... november kan musim exam. -_- so, semuanya ibu buat tanpa ayah. kena caesar, dahlah waktu tengahari, ended up, baby degil ni boleh discharge dulu. ibu, kena stay kat ward since baru operate.

see? baru lahir dah banyak masalah. tu tak masuk bab masuk sekolah, masuk interview, naik flight, dan sebagainya.

dah, cane aku tak develop habit cengeng? terlupa barang penting untuk interview, nangis. kena marah dengan pegawai pendaftaran, dah muka lain. everything yang out of norms, yang bagi aku "ah sudah, apa pulak bala nak mai ni...", komfem... komfem akan berlaku. i'm so used of getting this, sampai setiap kali benda ni terjadi, i'll ask ibu, "Ibu, kenapa benda ni jadi kat ina eh? Awat kat orang lain, elok je? Kenapa bila time ina je, ada je masalah. Ada je tak kena. Ina ni, bad luck eh kat semuorang?"

then ibu akan bukak cerita, of everything that has ever happened before. sesi refleksi akan berlaku selepas tu. ibu akan cakap, "Semuaorang dapat bahagian lain-lain. Ada yang okay part ni, part lain dia takdak. Ada yang semua part dia ada, tapi tak jugak dia happy. Ada yang takdak part langsung, tapi boleh je hidup happy. Yang penting, accept it for the way it should be. Mungkin bahagia ina, bila ina boleh sabaq dan terima semua tu."

lain orang, lain struggle dia. untuk qistina, this is the struggle.

the struggle yang awak takkan pernah faham.

dah ah, ticer nak masuk tidur. semoga esok ticer boleh bangun tidur muka cantik berseri, hilang ingatan semua yang tidak enak itu, semoga. doakan! bagus tau, doakan orang tanpa orang tu tahu. that's the best gift you can offer, serius.

sadly funny, yet true

of warm hugs and wise words

"i keep myself busy thinking too much that i forget i've got a real life to catch up.

true story."


really, really need your duas. untuk jadi kuat, memang tak ah. forevercengeng, dah cane?

tapi untuk menjadi lebih normal, to accept the things the way they should be, mungkin boleh diusahakan.

kerana kita ingat orang akan faham situasi kita bila dia kata, "i feel you," when the real fact, yes, diorang mungkin pernah rasa benda yang sama cuma dalam situasi MEREKA.

sekolah, contoh paling simpel. harini. ada dua kelas darjah tiga. i planned this activity yang memerlukan active participation, bising yang belajar. interview untuk dapat maklumat, that kind of activity. ended up? almost cried, almost. sebab i've lost most of my energy bila menjerit suruh duduk tempat masing masing, dengar arahan cikgu, jangan baling pemadam kat muka kawan, dah siap simpan buku jangan mai tunjuk kat teacher lagi, all sorts of voice message sampaikan suara terketar ketar, tahan marah. i'm not that kind of person yang cepat marah, tambah lagi to those young kids, yang dah macam adik adik sendiri. but i just couldn't get them in control, sampaikan at one point, i was screaming out loud, "PI DOK TEMPAT MASING MASING! HANGPA TAK PAHAM BAHASA KA? NAK CIKGU CAKAP BAHASA APA LAGI??"

dah rasa macam useless sangat. is this really you, qistina?

:'(

tak masuk hal kat rumah lagi.

to be honest, i think i've lost my own self along the way. i just can't think straight at the moment, please please please, keep me in your duas, always. kerana at this stage, i really miss those warm hugs and wise words from you, you-know-who-you-are.

perfectly fine

i don't know if this is normal.

i've gained so much weight, i can smile all day long, i can laugh whenever i want, i can just be perfectly fine.

which.. is not true. been losing weight drastically, tend to be in my own world, and easily get into deep thoughts.

i don't like the idea of thinking too much, but certain things really need my attention.

i just want to be alone, all alone tepi pantai, untuk selama mana yang boleh. boleh?

because i have a lot to think, a lot more than yours.


esok start cikgu ganti. and i don't really feel like going. takdak feelings. sorry anak anak murid, cikgu is trying very hard to keep holding on. not that cikgu nak zalimi hak kamu, cikgu takut dalam kelas pun cikgu boleh lost. lost in my own world huhu

"Hard times, is the time you spend trying to be stronger than you can ever think of."

random issues

sebagai penganggur, being at home 24/7 has turned me into a housewife. eh. haha

no, that's not the point.

i've been dealing with lotsa things recently, but these two issues are my concerns now.

first; positivity.

tengah dinner dengan famili, and i was about to ask permission to go out with le bestfriend. and what did Dad say? "Tengok S tu, dia dah bawak kereta merata dah. Kamu? Takat depan rumah, mati enjin. Mati enjin, depan rumah. Cuba lahhh positif sikit."

i was doing the dishes, and accidently tercakap kuat, "Dah semua orang tak positif dengan ina, cane la ina nak bawak kereta. Sikit sikit takut kereta calar, sikit sikit takut accident lah. Nak positif cane camtu?"

lucky thing, no one heard me. but that's the truth, how can i drive the car, kalau semuorang rasa insecure? hmph

second; that people always do something, for a reason (or more!).

i had this conversation with Mum, on how she first met with Dad. and surprisingly, she told me that Dad chooses her over other girls (or women, i dont know which one more appropriate), PROBABLY just because she has fair, white skin. well, this could be just her assuming, but still..

i was like, "What..? Sebab putih je? Agaknya orang suka kita ni pun sebab putih je ape.."

i have seen this before, yang mana orang akan buat something bersebab. "Eh, syok ah kawan dengan kau, kau lawak dohhh." "Untung ahh bapak ko kaya, boleh sponsor event kolej kottt!" and more, i'm sure you've been there too, right? you set your own scenarios.

just to think about it, what if.. the beauty that you adore so much is replaced with the wrinkles, the pimples, the sun-burnt? would you still like me? what if.. i have nothing to offer, but just me helping out with the event, would you still consider me as your friend?

something to ponder. sebab kadang kadang, rasa macam dah banyak berfikir dah, tapi tak cukup deep. tak cukup lagi nihhh, baru takat buku lali. ikan jerung pun tak mai kot sini nih, hmph

you've gotta be kidding me

monday blues, i can sense youuu everywhere, but not here hihihi

mahapla, orang menganggur memang ceni. suke jeee nak update. tengah masak pun hapdet. gambaq dolu dolu pun muat naik. poke war pun active. eh? hihihi

anyhow, i sense something strange these few days.

*whispering*
really, strange, okay.

last few days, ayah pegi library, sorang sorang, right after sekolah. meaning; dia akan selalu renew buku buku library, then bawak balik. easy.

but that day, it happened differently.

ayah pilihkan buku untuk anak perempuan dia yang menganggur nih, and guess what? semua novel cinta, be it in English ataupun BM. i was like searching for words, and gave him that "What.... the... What's wrong with you ayah? You look perfectly normal to me, but what have you gotten me? Are you serious? These are for me?" look. errr

are you kidding? ayah has never, ever chosen books for his children, and this time...?

today, another story.

ibu. she came back from school, and gave me this "Dewa Cintaku novel cinta muzikal pertama malaysia" and claimed that one of her colleagues yang bagi. like "What..... What's wrong with these people?"

i am so not ready for this. enough is enough, i just don't want to get into this, just yet. really, another thing coming in, i will straightaway tell them to stop, stop with this thing i-dont-know-what-to-call-but-really-not-right-for-now

or maybe it's just another coincidences; ayah just randomly pick the books, and ibu's colleague bermurah hati to give away the novel. i don't know, i'm trying to make it look logically 'make-sense', in other words; sedap hati.

tolong, please, enlighten me but not with this.

2014

semuorang sibuk je kan, happy new year ah, welcome to two thousand forteen ah, macam macam.



standard ah.

aku malas nak join the crowd, cuma nak cakap, best gak menganggur nih.

time orang dok monday blues, aku boleh lek lek lagi bangun pagi, chillz. takyah sesak sesak dalam traffic jam, takyah bersosial (jumpa ramai orang semak kepala), setakat sosial alam maya pun kira okay ah kan.

takyah nak mengadap boss, takyah tengok keroje bertingkek tingkek, takyah pikir masalah keroje. habis kurang pun, takat pikir "eh, nak masak ape harini eh?" tu pun, takyah ah serabut sampai dua jam kan :p

ingat esok esok kalau bosan jadik cikgu, bukak tadika or nursery ah. senang. buat sebelah umah, bila budak budak tu tengah tidur ke, sibuk belajar ke, boleh balik umah, masak.

ni bukan apa ni. syok menganggur sampai boleh pikir masa kedepan hihi

nak jadik housewife je, boleh ke? okbai