sadly funny, yet true

of warm hugs and wise words

"i keep myself busy thinking too much that i forget i've got a real life to catch up.

true story."


really, really need your duas. untuk jadi kuat, memang tak ah. forevercengeng, dah cane?

tapi untuk menjadi lebih normal, to accept the things the way they should be, mungkin boleh diusahakan.

kerana kita ingat orang akan faham situasi kita bila dia kata, "i feel you," when the real fact, yes, diorang mungkin pernah rasa benda yang sama cuma dalam situasi MEREKA.

sekolah, contoh paling simpel. harini. ada dua kelas darjah tiga. i planned this activity yang memerlukan active participation, bising yang belajar. interview untuk dapat maklumat, that kind of activity. ended up? almost cried, almost. sebab i've lost most of my energy bila menjerit suruh duduk tempat masing masing, dengar arahan cikgu, jangan baling pemadam kat muka kawan, dah siap simpan buku jangan mai tunjuk kat teacher lagi, all sorts of voice message sampaikan suara terketar ketar, tahan marah. i'm not that kind of person yang cepat marah, tambah lagi to those young kids, yang dah macam adik adik sendiri. but i just couldn't get them in control, sampaikan at one point, i was screaming out loud, "PI DOK TEMPAT MASING MASING! HANGPA TAK PAHAM BAHASA KA? NAK CIKGU CAKAP BAHASA APA LAGI??"

dah rasa macam useless sangat. is this really you, qistina?

:'(

tak masuk hal kat rumah lagi.

to be honest, i think i've lost my own self along the way. i just can't think straight at the moment, please please please, keep me in your duas, always. kerana at this stage, i really miss those warm hugs and wise words from you, you-know-who-you-are.

perfectly fine

i don't know if this is normal.

i've gained so much weight, i can smile all day long, i can laugh whenever i want, i can just be perfectly fine.

which.. is not true. been losing weight drastically, tend to be in my own world, and easily get into deep thoughts.

i don't like the idea of thinking too much, but certain things really need my attention.

i just want to be alone, all alone tepi pantai, untuk selama mana yang boleh. boleh?

because i have a lot to think, a lot more than yours.


esok start cikgu ganti. and i don't really feel like going. takdak feelings. sorry anak anak murid, cikgu is trying very hard to keep holding on. not that cikgu nak zalimi hak kamu, cikgu takut dalam kelas pun cikgu boleh lost. lost in my own world huhu

"Hard times, is the time you spend trying to be stronger than you can ever think of."

random issues

sebagai penganggur, being at home 24/7 has turned me into a housewife. eh. haha

no, that's not the point.

i've been dealing with lotsa things recently, but these two issues are my concerns now.

first; positivity.

tengah dinner dengan famili, and i was about to ask permission to go out with le bestfriend. and what did Dad say? "Tengok S tu, dia dah bawak kereta merata dah. Kamu? Takat depan rumah, mati enjin. Mati enjin, depan rumah. Cuba lahhh positif sikit."

i was doing the dishes, and accidently tercakap kuat, "Dah semua orang tak positif dengan ina, cane la ina nak bawak kereta. Sikit sikit takut kereta calar, sikit sikit takut accident lah. Nak positif cane camtu?"

lucky thing, no one heard me. but that's the truth, how can i drive the car, kalau semuorang rasa insecure? hmph

second; that people always do something, for a reason (or more!).

i had this conversation with Mum, on how she first met with Dad. and surprisingly, she told me that Dad chooses her over other girls (or women, i dont know which one more appropriate), PROBABLY just because she has fair, white skin. well, this could be just her assuming, but still..

i was like, "What..? Sebab putih je? Agaknya orang suka kita ni pun sebab putih je ape.."

i have seen this before, yang mana orang akan buat something bersebab. "Eh, syok ah kawan dengan kau, kau lawak dohhh." "Untung ahh bapak ko kaya, boleh sponsor event kolej kottt!" and more, i'm sure you've been there too, right? you set your own scenarios.

just to think about it, what if.. the beauty that you adore so much is replaced with the wrinkles, the pimples, the sun-burnt? would you still like me? what if.. i have nothing to offer, but just me helping out with the event, would you still consider me as your friend?

something to ponder. sebab kadang kadang, rasa macam dah banyak berfikir dah, tapi tak cukup deep. tak cukup lagi nihhh, baru takat buku lali. ikan jerung pun tak mai kot sini nih, hmph

you've gotta be kidding me

monday blues, i can sense youuu everywhere, but not here hihihi

mahapla, orang menganggur memang ceni. suke jeee nak update. tengah masak pun hapdet. gambaq dolu dolu pun muat naik. poke war pun active. eh? hihihi

anyhow, i sense something strange these few days.

*whispering*
really, strange, okay.

last few days, ayah pegi library, sorang sorang, right after sekolah. meaning; dia akan selalu renew buku buku library, then bawak balik. easy.

but that day, it happened differently.

ayah pilihkan buku untuk anak perempuan dia yang menganggur nih, and guess what? semua novel cinta, be it in English ataupun BM. i was like searching for words, and gave him that "What.... the... What's wrong with you ayah? You look perfectly normal to me, but what have you gotten me? Are you serious? These are for me?" look. errr

are you kidding? ayah has never, ever chosen books for his children, and this time...?

today, another story.

ibu. she came back from school, and gave me this "Dewa Cintaku novel cinta muzikal pertama malaysia" and claimed that one of her colleagues yang bagi. like "What..... What's wrong with these people?"

i am so not ready for this. enough is enough, i just don't want to get into this, just yet. really, another thing coming in, i will straightaway tell them to stop, stop with this thing i-dont-know-what-to-call-but-really-not-right-for-now

or maybe it's just another coincidences; ayah just randomly pick the books, and ibu's colleague bermurah hati to give away the novel. i don't know, i'm trying to make it look logically 'make-sense', in other words; sedap hati.

tolong, please, enlighten me but not with this.

2014

semuorang sibuk je kan, happy new year ah, welcome to two thousand forteen ah, macam macam.



standard ah.

aku malas nak join the crowd, cuma nak cakap, best gak menganggur nih.

time orang dok monday blues, aku boleh lek lek lagi bangun pagi, chillz. takyah sesak sesak dalam traffic jam, takyah bersosial (jumpa ramai orang semak kepala), setakat sosial alam maya pun kira okay ah kan.

takyah nak mengadap boss, takyah tengok keroje bertingkek tingkek, takyah pikir masalah keroje. habis kurang pun, takat pikir "eh, nak masak ape harini eh?" tu pun, takyah ah serabut sampai dua jam kan :p

ingat esok esok kalau bosan jadik cikgu, bukak tadika or nursery ah. senang. buat sebelah umah, bila budak budak tu tengah tidur ke, sibuk belajar ke, boleh balik umah, masak.

ni bukan apa ni. syok menganggur sampai boleh pikir masa kedepan hihi

nak jadik housewife je, boleh ke? okbai