sekolah kata mari, katil kata pergi

i never thought going to school would be this... *tarik nafas* exciting.


read it thousand times in a very low tone. you'll understand this feeling of i've-been-to-school-from-Year1-till-now.

BACK TO SCHOOL, PEOPLE! wish me the very best of everything, hope i don't mess this year up >.<'

hoping things would turn out to be good for you too! take care, see you when i see you! :)

girls by the age of 25 should be getting a permanent forever-i-will-annoy-you room mate. bincangkan.

assalam and hello there! well i know no one is reading, stop pretending like you've got readers la, that's SO lame :p

but i need a place to spill what's inside my head, i can't let the topic goes wandering in my mind keep haunting me all days and nights, okay should stop this drama -.-'

at my age right now, i think it is completely fine for me to talk on this. i mean, come on, you're 25, everyone of your age is either getting engaged, married, or even counting days to be in the labour room. plus you're a girl, every makciks will (obviously, definitely) ask you questions like "hang bila lagi?" or "dah ada (boypren) ka?" or "bila nak jadi menantu makcik?"

okay yang last tu rekaan semata-mata :p

believe me or not, every girl who have heard of those questions feels this way;

we are so sick of those, like bloated, like nak muntah dengar, like whatever.

come on, our life is not all about those. we have so many more to achieve, we have our own wants and dreams, could you makciks please give us some space and not getting into our nerves?


i am NOT mad, this is not me getting mad being asked over and over again, truth is.. i have it enough to think about.

this is a serious matter, i don't want to get into this kelam kabut just to follow the trend, fulfilling the society's expectation that girls by the age of 25 should be getting married.

and i (strongly) believe i don't look like the one with that age yet :p

so dear makciks, here's a thoughtful piece of mind for you.

how would you feel if people ask you,
"bila agaknya makcik nak mati ye?"

i didn't mean to be mean at all, but that's the damn truth. we don't know what's in the future but we do know the One who holds it. harap makcik masih merasakan saya akan jadi menantu yang baik walaupun bukan menantu makcik hihihi

(off record)
tipu lah if i say i have never thought of that before. it IS normal for us girls, to have those dreams of having a life partner. but i prefer mine to be at its own pace. let the time decide and let He does what He does best, for He is the Best planner. :)

more matured posts, please.

salaam and hello world!

i know it has been agessss since i last wrote here, on a serious note, i was fully occupied with too many things - especially school stuffs. well, well, let's just forget about school for a while, shall we?









erm.. where were we just now?

time's getting late, i think i'll just tell you later, okay?

toodles!

words

in a deep mess right now.

fyi, today is not my day.

taktau nak start dari mana. rasa nak nangis je, laju laju. seriously, i fail miserably when it comes to holding back tears.



rasa macam banyak sangat benda nak fikir,

rasa sangat kesian dengan anak murid. i've been neglecting them since the past 2 weeks. 4-8/10, went to a course. 9/10 takde kelas. the following week, ade ceramah, all sorts of programme. today i need to be in-charge of the programme at school. esok, ada camping, also in-charge. feel so bad, you know. you are the teacher, but do you teach?

do YOU teach, qistina?

i did give the work to do during my absence. tapi seriously... buku pun teacher tak sempat mark, how about the handouts? plus, next week is the exam week. rasa sangat kesian to the kids. they didn't have proper lessons for the past few weeks. do you feel me? the guilty feeling for not being able to provide them with what they should be given :(

politik di sekolah. this, i hate to say this, but rasa macam taknak jadi adult and bersusah payah fikir pasal orang lain while they are not considering us at all. when it comes to camping or any event that need the teacher to stay overnight, i don't have to ask what's my duty. to be honest, i don't mind (really!) if kena stay overnight pun, provided that the names yang kena overnight pun willing to do so. i don't mind. at all.

but the issue here is..... once your name are there, tak boleh ke cooperate, do your part? instead of giving lame excuses or not giving any excuse at all, tak boleh ke nak bagi kerjasama, BUAT PART AWAK? or at least, negotiate or exchange role dengan orang lain. "Oh, saya tak boleh datang la, ada hal."

APE INGAT AWAK JE KE ADE HAL? ORANG LAIN TAKDE HAL? ORANG LAIN BOLEH JE LA LUPAKAN HAL MEREKA DAN DATANG BERMALAM/BUAT DUTY?

i really hate to say this but being an adult is so tiresome. i thought "okayla, takpela just berkorban la, pegi tido semalam je kan," although my name is not in the list untuk stay overnight. but no one cares. i mean, ye la. kan qistina tak kawen lagi, takde komitmen, takde anak.

habis, kena kawen kena ade anak semua ke baru tak payah buat duty/ stay overnight? so, i really need to get married cepat cepat ke? i memang takde family eh? ibu ayah, tok, abang adik, life. memang i takde semua semua tu kan?

tu tak campur orang cakap belakang lagi. imagine... kalau dia boleh cakap belakang pasal orang lain dekat kita... sangatlah not possible dia naka cakap belakang pasal kita kan. ah abaikan. malas fikir, buat berat memory je.

next issue; kadang kadang rasa diri ni macam ter-over baik hati. ter-over baik hati is not good. why? sebab orang akan ambil kesempatan. at first, i always think about doing good to others and Allah will help us later. tapi entahla. contoh paling simple; tadi waktu beli makanan. orang ramai kat kedai tu, so i waited for my turn. dah pilih lauk semua, i stood at the corner of the table. then came this lady, terus suruh kira lauk dia. "okay takpe, dia nak cepat tu kot," sambil senyum. takpe.. then after that, datang lagi another career-woman. yela i kan pakai selekeh je, dah rupa bibik, so mesti lah career-woman dapat dulu servis. "takpe, dia penat balik keje kot," then came another woman. time ni muka teacher dah kelat sikit sikit tapi still senyum. "okay, hold on qistina, sabar sabar," pastu datang lagi sepasang suami isteri sambil suruh kira lauk diorang.


time ni syaitan dah cucuk.


"dia ni tak nampak ke aku dah tercongok depan ni punya main lama? dahla harini bad day, mentang mentang la selekeh, nampak muka budak budak, buat nampak tak nampak je. ni rasa patut pegi kereta terus ke cemane ni"


can you imagine... i had such thought just now :(

if i were to tell all the problems, buat curahan hati, i know people will give remarks like "ala, sabar je la, nak buat macamane" "tu la hang, tak stand for your right, bagi muka sangat, pastu kena buli, balik rumah, stress"

that.. is not what i expected to get. so please. give me some space and time to recover. rasa macam harini teruk sangat, sabar dah ke mana, memang rasa nak off je henfon at the moment.


kadang kadang rasa macam dah give my very best to fit in, but every time things happen, rasa tak boleh terima hakikat. rasa macam dah consider semua orang waktu buat keputusan, tapi orang tak kisah pun pasal kita. rasa macam dah bagi semua yang ada, tapi still rasa useless.

:(

can't wait to get lost in my own world

2 months feels like 2 days ago (well, sort of)

too many things happened, i've met the nicest people on earth, lost the usual appetite (current weight below forty), been running here and there doing things i should be doing, messing up the workplace table (got bundles of papers, files, exercise books, you name it) and so many things i couldn't say it all here.

my life mantra now is; "Ibu, ina tak larat la..." and i say it everyday without fail, i know i am a bad teacher...

the fact that Mum is retiring soon, this August makes it even worse for me. how could she leave me having to deal with this career for another 34 years, alone? Dad is another case, he's not a part of us two as he deals with the secondary pupils; he doesn't have to yell so much early of the year sampai hilang suara, he doesn't have to run and chase the 'excited' pupils (read: Year 1) and not to mention he works most in his office now. so yeah, i'm losing one of my close colleagues at home now :(

forget about the previous post, i think i've bottled up too many things lately and that could be the reason for my frequent illness and MCs huhu

i like teaching, i love the kids so much that i've promised to myself to give the best i can to provide the best learning experience to them. but somehow, things just don't go the way you want them to be. too tired to even think, i can say planning a lesson would be the last thing on my mind at the end of the day :(

how am i going to survive the rest of the years? i thought teaching is all fun and exciting to both teacher and pupils, i really thought so :(

while writing this, believe it or not, i feel like crying like a baby and just that.



long way to go and you have to endure it. please. you are here because Allah wants you to be here, you'll be fine, just fine.

almost a year

i won't stay long here, just letting you know i'm all good, alhamdulillah :)

despite the workloads the school has to offer, i believe complaining wouldn't do any better. it makes you feel burdened, twice.



so, hopefully for the next 34 years 1 month of service this teacher would avoid complaining by all means and enjoy the ride! the teaching adventures (well that sounds majestic enough)

jadi mari doakan semoga ticer ini terus kuat, terus bulatkan azam, empatsegikan tekad, segitigakan niat untuk terus mengajar lillahitaala. :)

numb

at this moment i couldn't think of anything except cuti.

i've been working so hard these few days, hard in my dictionary means something that i do extra or more than the usual practice.

just submitted the smm thingy last friday, my weekends were fully booked with school stuffs - Saturday with extra class, extra LDP (Latihan Dalam Perkhidmatan sdn bhd on organising the timetables), Sunday with being cikgu pengiring for the UPSR kids.

bawak balik buku latihan budak dengan niat nak mark la konon, last-last niat itu menjadi niat memberatkan kereta pergi-balik :(

and now i am still wide awake editing the lyrics for the school action songs when suddenly the phone beeps.

"Qistina, dah buat ke soalan untuk kuiz cegah jenayah tahap 1? Esok nak guna tau.."

adei :(

esok Qistina lah head of the teachers-on-duty (meaning kena conduct the whole assembly), esok anak murid teacher Qistina lah nak buat performance untuk MBI and etc etc please one thing at a time, please? :(

i know i shouldn't be here blurting all these words here but for once at least, give me a break in between those, boleh tak?

tak campur class decoration, sudut decoration. report itu, list ini. rasa macam terriblenya kepala ticer sekarang.

or am i the one who thinks too much?

:(

kadang-kadang rasa nak nangis tu pun buang masa. pastu mula la nangis merata-rata. pastu okay sendiri. pastu gelak-gelak. pastu nangis balik. and the cycle goes on and on and on :(

should i go to some kind like therapy or what? you tell me, bloggy.

:(

To be honest, i am not feeling good about myself at the moment.

I have a lot to be done and yet the time is so little that i wanna kerai :'(

Kelas tak hias lagi, smm tak isi lagi, laporan tak siap lagi, sudut mbi tak update lagi dan banyak lagi yang mungkin ter-slip dari fikiran teacher :(

Weekdays are longer than usual, weekends are shorter and tak puas and i have this body ache, flu, headache, and everything else you just can't imagine.

Pimples are everywhere, i couldn't care less but try to work within the time frame, cuba nak siapkan everything on time but there's a voice inside me saying "No you cant do this, alone." :(

It's just the first week of schooling and i feel so teribble that i want to cry, just cry. :'(

I didnt expect things to be this way, i mean i'm okay with the responsibilities given but too many of it makes me freak out, like freak out takut tak dapat buat or tertinggal something along the way :(

It demands a lot from me, the time at home, even when i'm driving i always think and have a conversation inside the head and i think i'm just getting a bit too workaholic here.

I don't feel good abt myself, i know things may be even worse for others but i am at the lowest point of my life right now, trying to get up and move on :(

This post is so personal that i know nobody's going to read it anyway, but posting it here somehow help me to let the stress and problems go.

Hoping a better tomorrow, semangat sikit Qistina, taknak cengeng cengeng dah, you're a big girl now

feelings

i do have feelings. and when i say so, they are genuine and pure. how would i know that for sure?

because i feel it, with all my heart.



it was great. i was glad i had the chance to feel it that way. be it positive or negative, i feel lucky to have these feelings.



time flies, everything keeps changing. but i still feel the same, despite the fact nothing would stay the same. yes, i still do. it's just.. something i don't like to share in public.

about the feelings.

i wish i can still keep the feelings. but i am well aware, i cannot put too much hope in this uncertainty. i may be can pray and still keep it close, but no one knows what might happen in the future.

the thing is, i am trying to be fair to both. to my feelings and to the future i cannot foresee.


let's just hope and keep praying hard. that everything's gonna be just fine, in the end.

it might hit me hard later, i hope i can handle it well. semoga.

hectic weeks, i love you

salam and greetings all :)

been neglecting this blog (should i call this 'neglecting'? i still update whattt) since forever -.-

school hols is almost over, now it's 2015 and more responsibilities coming in.

here's the list:
1. s/u panitia
2. s/u and penyelaras Sistem Maklumat Murid (budak pindah masuk pindah keluar, sila jumpa saya)
3. pen s/u kaunseling (cikgu sendiri pun perlu kaunseling ni dah acanerrr)
4. s/u and penyelaras Jadual Waktu
5. s/u and penyelaras MBMMBI

and the unofficial duties and the list goes on and on and on...


am definitely not complaining, but having to think of it in a way "How can i survive the year with this list of work and duties?"

ini tanggungjawab. i don't ask for it, i was given this list. the feeling is, i hope i would never fail to fulfill these.

so when you see me posting KFC on insta, the continous tweets about the longest day i've ever been and such, just have mercy.

give me good words and i'll be glad to see the positive replies :)


and more deep thoughts will be coming in the next post, inshaAllah. you just wait :p

p/s : any tips for not skipping the lunch? i can guarantee me being skinnier after this with longer working hours at school and not getting proper meal scheduled >.<'

what i feel right now

Hey hey it's already 2015!

I've got a lot to spill over but i need to find the laptop first. So stay tuned, prolly will update more before the school starts!

Till then. Take care sweethearts