in a deep mess right now.
fyi, today is not my day.
taktau nak start dari mana. rasa nak nangis je, laju laju. seriously, i fail miserably when it comes to holding back tears.
rasa macam banyak sangat benda nak fikir,
rasa sangat kesian dengan anak murid. i've been neglecting them since the past 2 weeks. 4-8/10, went to a course. 9/10 takde kelas. the following week, ade ceramah, all sorts of programme. today i need to be in-charge of the programme at school. esok, ada camping, also in-charge. feel so bad, you know. you are the teacher, but do you teach?
do YOU teach, qistina?
i did give the work to do during my absence. tapi seriously... buku pun teacher tak sempat mark, how about the handouts? plus, next week is the exam week. rasa sangat kesian to the kids. they didn't have proper lessons for the past few weeks. do you feel me? the guilty feeling for not being able to provide them with what they should be given :(
politik di sekolah. this, i hate to say this, but rasa macam taknak jadi adult and bersusah payah fikir pasal orang lain while they are not considering us at all. when it comes to camping or any event that need the teacher to stay overnight, i don't have to ask what's my duty. to be honest, i don't mind (really!) if kena stay overnight pun, provided that the names yang kena overnight pun willing to do so. i don't mind. at all.
but the issue here is..... once your name are there, tak boleh ke cooperate, do your part? instead of giving lame excuses or not giving any excuse at all, tak boleh ke nak bagi kerjasama, BUAT PART AWAK? or at least, negotiate or exchange role dengan orang lain. "Oh, saya tak boleh datang la, ada hal."
APE INGAT AWAK JE KE ADE HAL? ORANG LAIN TAKDE HAL? ORANG LAIN BOLEH JE LA LUPAKAN HAL MEREKA DAN DATANG BERMALAM/BUAT DUTY?
i really hate to say this but being an adult is so tiresome. i thought "okayla, takpela just berkorban la, pegi tido semalam je kan," although my name is not in the list untuk stay overnight. but no one cares. i mean, ye la. kan qistina tak kawen lagi, takde komitmen, takde anak.
habis, kena kawen kena ade anak semua ke baru tak payah buat duty/ stay overnight? so, i really need to get married cepat cepat ke? i memang takde family eh? ibu ayah, tok, abang adik, life. memang i takde semua semua tu kan?
tu tak campur orang cakap belakang lagi. imagine... kalau dia boleh cakap belakang pasal orang lain dekat kita... sangatlah not possible dia naka cakap belakang pasal kita kan. ah abaikan. malas fikir, buat berat memory je.
next issue; kadang kadang rasa diri ni macam ter-over baik hati. ter-over baik hati is not good. why? sebab orang akan ambil kesempatan. at first, i always think about doing good to others and Allah will help us later. tapi entahla. contoh paling simple; tadi waktu beli makanan. orang ramai kat kedai tu, so i waited for my turn. dah pilih lauk semua, i stood at the corner of the table. then came this lady, terus suruh kira lauk dia. "okay takpe, dia nak cepat tu kot," sambil senyum. takpe.. then after that, datang lagi another career-woman. yela i kan pakai selekeh je, dah rupa bibik, so mesti lah career-woman dapat dulu servis. "takpe, dia penat balik keje kot," then came another woman. time ni muka teacher dah kelat sikit sikit tapi still senyum. "okay, hold on qistina, sabar sabar," pastu datang lagi sepasang suami isteri sambil suruh kira lauk diorang.
time ni syaitan dah cucuk.
"dia ni tak nampak ke aku dah tercongok depan ni punya main lama? dahla harini bad day, mentang mentang la selekeh, nampak muka budak budak, buat nampak tak nampak je. ni rasa patut pegi kereta terus ke cemane ni"
can you imagine... i had such thought just now :(
if i were to tell all the problems, buat curahan hati, i know people will give remarks like "ala, sabar je la, nak buat macamane" "tu la hang, tak stand for your right, bagi muka sangat, pastu kena buli, balik rumah, stress"
that.. is not what i expected to get. so please. give me some space and time to recover. rasa macam harini teruk sangat, sabar dah ke mana, memang rasa nak off je henfon at the moment.
kadang kadang rasa macam dah give my very best to fit in, but every time things happen, rasa tak boleh terima hakikat. rasa macam dah consider semua orang waktu buat keputusan, tapi orang tak kisah pun pasal kita. rasa macam dah bagi semua yang ada, tapi still rasa useless.
:(
