a few words just before i leave

i shouldnt be here at the moment, it's almost ten and having the chestpain, i should have gone to bed.



just few words, who knows, this could be the last words.

thank you, and sorry.

for all the things ive done wrong,
for the things i couldnt make it,
for the broken promise/s,
for the useless advice i gave to you,
for the time spent listening to me chatting,
for the headache/s i've given you in dealing with problems,
for almost, every thing, every single thing.

thank you, and again, sorry.

to everyone.

lost

exactly a week sebagai penganggur, i could say my life is boring. as ever.

seminggu tak sentuh langsung laptop, online through phone, do housechores, keluar teman ibu untuk lawatan lawatan sosial beliau, pegi kenduri, just.. name it. and i still feel the emptiness inside me.

lama lama ceni boleh mengundang bahaya. bukan apa, takut takut nanti makin tak ketahuan bila dapat keroje, dengan dah berakaq kat ghumah, dia mula mai perasaan nak duduk bawah ketiak ibu ja. -_-'

lagi haru, bila jumpa orang dah start tanya, "La ni dok buat apa?"

=.='

kadang kadang, penat pikiaq ja. thoughts are everywhere, even dalam bilik ayaq pun boleh dok pikiaq masalah dunia. bila dah getting overwhelmed dengan thoughts tu yang jadi payah. benda tak jadi lagi dah risau macam macam. masalah hat boleh pikiaq esok, dok gaduh pening kepala harini. haru sungguh jadi orang besaq.

to be honest, i'm that kind of person who really needs a booster / boosters to get started on anything. for now, i could feel the low self-motivation in me; i am less productive, i tend to overthink too much, i always overlook the strength within me, cepat rasa penat and feverish, i just need a booster or more.

i am lost in my own thoughts. please find me, thank you.

hold on a little bit, dear self :(

i have been holding on for too long. too long sampai dah rasa biasa, dah get used.

but this time.. no. i can't take it anymore. even if i do, it is just pretending to be all good.



the fact that... i fail to get myself sabar with this :(

oh ya Allah, bantulah hambaMu ini bertahan, sampai minggu depan je. minggu depan je :(

the ending sepatutnya cantik, but for this... i just want to end this so badly. just, this. :'(

an experience i will never forget.

i've been through lots of things, but these two days.. really, really something that i've never thought of.

3rd nov.
sebagai seorang pemandu (yang tak tegar sangat), i drove my friends back to their home after a short meet-up. on my way back, as i was driving very carefully (i must say!), tetiba ter-lalu di satu traffic light yang suka bikin cemas. this traffic light, ada sejarah screeching sound dengan this driver. always, always selalu brek mengejut sebab lampu oren secara mengejutnya appear. and it happened again this time, which led to an emergency brake.

and everything happened so fast that i could hear something's crashing at the back of my car. i could feel the car is moving ke depan sikit, macam spring tahu? my face went pale, i didn't really know what to say, just istighfars.

a few seconds after that, through my side mirror, i could see another car bumped into the car behind. and the impact was even worse! i could see the penutup enjin went remuk, sangat teruk, and i was like... speechless! oh maiii, what have i done this time?!? dengan duit makan tinggal rm30, and that's all i had for the rest of the week, i just couldn't think straight.

when i got to see the two drivers keluar and had a look at their cars, i tried to remain calm. "Okay, pegi setel cepat cepat, it's not your fault, you're doing it right. Lampu oren memang patut get ready to stop, you just did the right thing, Qistina."

I talked to them about what really happened, and alhamdulillah, it took just few minutes to get things settled. my car looked okay, no scratch, nothing, it looked perfectly good as ever. so, i went home, with a mixed feeling, obviously shaking throughout the driving. post-trauma i would say, i was like di awang awangan, people talked to me, but i couldn't respond appropriately as my mind still wandered thinking about the incident.

that night, i drove my friend to the masjid. and the car made sound, weird sound that was really, really disturbing. :( so we checked the condition of the car, and we found out that the back bumper termasuk dalam and sangat sangat dekat dengan tayar. could be the impact after the crash.

kepala serabut balik. i didn't mind if i've got the money, seriously.. but having zero knowledge about cars, i didn't know what to expect then. alhamdulillah, a friend of mine ada cousin yang pandai baiki kereta, so straightaway we went to him.

mungkin Allah nak permudah segalanya, it went well after that. kereta dapat dibaiki, and the cost was less than rm 50.

the trauma is still there, mungkin tak seteruk pas accident, but yes. i can still remember the feelings, and betapa terketar ketarnya the whole body right after the accident.

teringat this one quote. "In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed."

:(