sadly funny, yet true

of warm hugs and wise words

"i keep myself busy thinking too much that i forget i've got a real life to catch up.

true story."


really, really need your duas. untuk jadi kuat, memang tak ah. forevercengeng, dah cane?

tapi untuk menjadi lebih normal, to accept the things the way they should be, mungkin boleh diusahakan.

kerana kita ingat orang akan faham situasi kita bila dia kata, "i feel you," when the real fact, yes, diorang mungkin pernah rasa benda yang sama cuma dalam situasi MEREKA.

sekolah, contoh paling simpel. harini. ada dua kelas darjah tiga. i planned this activity yang memerlukan active participation, bising yang belajar. interview untuk dapat maklumat, that kind of activity. ended up? almost cried, almost. sebab i've lost most of my energy bila menjerit suruh duduk tempat masing masing, dengar arahan cikgu, jangan baling pemadam kat muka kawan, dah siap simpan buku jangan mai tunjuk kat teacher lagi, all sorts of voice message sampaikan suara terketar ketar, tahan marah. i'm not that kind of person yang cepat marah, tambah lagi to those young kids, yang dah macam adik adik sendiri. but i just couldn't get them in control, sampaikan at one point, i was screaming out loud, "PI DOK TEMPAT MASING MASING! HANGPA TAK PAHAM BAHASA KA? NAK CIKGU CAKAP BAHASA APA LAGI??"

dah rasa macam useless sangat. is this really you, qistina?

:'(

tak masuk hal kat rumah lagi.

to be honest, i think i've lost my own self along the way. i just can't think straight at the moment, please please please, keep me in your duas, always. kerana at this stage, i really miss those warm hugs and wise words from you, you-know-who-you-are.

perfectly fine

i don't know if this is normal.

i've gained so much weight, i can smile all day long, i can laugh whenever i want, i can just be perfectly fine.

which.. is not true. been losing weight drastically, tend to be in my own world, and easily get into deep thoughts.

i don't like the idea of thinking too much, but certain things really need my attention.

i just want to be alone, all alone tepi pantai, untuk selama mana yang boleh. boleh?

because i have a lot to think, a lot more than yours.


esok start cikgu ganti. and i don't really feel like going. takdak feelings. sorry anak anak murid, cikgu is trying very hard to keep holding on. not that cikgu nak zalimi hak kamu, cikgu takut dalam kelas pun cikgu boleh lost. lost in my own world huhu

"Hard times, is the time you spend trying to be stronger than you can ever think of."

random issues

sebagai penganggur, being at home 24/7 has turned me into a housewife. eh. haha

no, that's not the point.

i've been dealing with lotsa things recently, but these two issues are my concerns now.

first; positivity.

tengah dinner dengan famili, and i was about to ask permission to go out with le bestfriend. and what did Dad say? "Tengok S tu, dia dah bawak kereta merata dah. Kamu? Takat depan rumah, mati enjin. Mati enjin, depan rumah. Cuba lahhh positif sikit."

i was doing the dishes, and accidently tercakap kuat, "Dah semua orang tak positif dengan ina, cane la ina nak bawak kereta. Sikit sikit takut kereta calar, sikit sikit takut accident lah. Nak positif cane camtu?"

lucky thing, no one heard me. but that's the truth, how can i drive the car, kalau semuorang rasa insecure? hmph

second; that people always do something, for a reason (or more!).

i had this conversation with Mum, on how she first met with Dad. and surprisingly, she told me that Dad chooses her over other girls (or women, i dont know which one more appropriate), PROBABLY just because she has fair, white skin. well, this could be just her assuming, but still..

i was like, "What..? Sebab putih je? Agaknya orang suka kita ni pun sebab putih je ape.."

i have seen this before, yang mana orang akan buat something bersebab. "Eh, syok ah kawan dengan kau, kau lawak dohhh." "Untung ahh bapak ko kaya, boleh sponsor event kolej kottt!" and more, i'm sure you've been there too, right? you set your own scenarios.

just to think about it, what if.. the beauty that you adore so much is replaced with the wrinkles, the pimples, the sun-burnt? would you still like me? what if.. i have nothing to offer, but just me helping out with the event, would you still consider me as your friend?

something to ponder. sebab kadang kadang, rasa macam dah banyak berfikir dah, tapi tak cukup deep. tak cukup lagi nihhh, baru takat buku lali. ikan jerung pun tak mai kot sini nih, hmph

you've gotta be kidding me

monday blues, i can sense youuu everywhere, but not here hihihi

mahapla, orang menganggur memang ceni. suke jeee nak update. tengah masak pun hapdet. gambaq dolu dolu pun muat naik. poke war pun active. eh? hihihi

anyhow, i sense something strange these few days.

*whispering*
really, strange, okay.

last few days, ayah pegi library, sorang sorang, right after sekolah. meaning; dia akan selalu renew buku buku library, then bawak balik. easy.

but that day, it happened differently.

ayah pilihkan buku untuk anak perempuan dia yang menganggur nih, and guess what? semua novel cinta, be it in English ataupun BM. i was like searching for words, and gave him that "What.... the... What's wrong with you ayah? You look perfectly normal to me, but what have you gotten me? Are you serious? These are for me?" look. errr

are you kidding? ayah has never, ever chosen books for his children, and this time...?

today, another story.

ibu. she came back from school, and gave me this "Dewa Cintaku novel cinta muzikal pertama malaysia" and claimed that one of her colleagues yang bagi. like "What..... What's wrong with these people?"

i am so not ready for this. enough is enough, i just don't want to get into this, just yet. really, another thing coming in, i will straightaway tell them to stop, stop with this thing i-dont-know-what-to-call-but-really-not-right-for-now

or maybe it's just another coincidences; ayah just randomly pick the books, and ibu's colleague bermurah hati to give away the novel. i don't know, i'm trying to make it look logically 'make-sense', in other words; sedap hati.

tolong, please, enlighten me but not with this.

2014

semuorang sibuk je kan, happy new year ah, welcome to two thousand forteen ah, macam macam.



standard ah.

aku malas nak join the crowd, cuma nak cakap, best gak menganggur nih.

time orang dok monday blues, aku boleh lek lek lagi bangun pagi, chillz. takyah sesak sesak dalam traffic jam, takyah bersosial (jumpa ramai orang semak kepala), setakat sosial alam maya pun kira okay ah kan.

takyah nak mengadap boss, takyah tengok keroje bertingkek tingkek, takyah pikir masalah keroje. habis kurang pun, takat pikir "eh, nak masak ape harini eh?" tu pun, takyah ah serabut sampai dua jam kan :p

ingat esok esok kalau bosan jadik cikgu, bukak tadika or nursery ah. senang. buat sebelah umah, bila budak budak tu tengah tidur ke, sibuk belajar ke, boleh balik umah, masak.

ni bukan apa ni. syok menganggur sampai boleh pikir masa kedepan hihi

nak jadik housewife je, boleh ke? okbai

good as ever, alhamdulillah :D

been fighting against my own self.

but ended up, hurting more.

and that's when i made this one decision.



to get these things over.

:)

i'm not giving in anymore, 'cause everytime i do, these things leave me nothing but tears. how sad, this crybaby gonna be forever the crybabyyy

just kidding :D

p/s : 2014 is coming, i'm feeling 23. well, sort of :p

manusia semakin pemalas

realiti zaman sekarang.

tengok je la teknologi sekarang. bukan nak salahkan teknologi... tapi, pada padalah.

contoh paling simpel.

waktu awal awal balik rumah for good, perasan ada satu perkakas dapur baru.

periuk macam rice cooker, tapi lagi canggih boleh masak bermacam macam jenis nasi, apam balik, or even lauk pauk, dalam masa.. 10 minit!

10 minit tu, kira paling ekspress la aku rasa, dah la main campak campak, tutup periuk dan tadaaa! ready to be served.

so kerja memasak dari jadi dua jam, tinggal 30 minit. dah mana tak jadi pemalas heh

tak masuk bab smartphones lagi.

ibu baru beli satu, and to my surprise, siap sign up for instagram dan whatsapp. sebab apa? whatsapp tu nanti GB nak bagi info senang, instagram tu boleh tengok update anak anak dan anak sedara. (in other words, STALKER ALERT!)

tapi ini takde kaitan dengan pemalas pun.

sebenarnya ada. bila dok serumah pun, ibu boleh whatsapp tanya, "Bila nak start masak ni?"

sebenarnya motif post ni, nak buktikan hipotesis, semakin tahun meningkat, manusia semakin pemalas.

tu je. kbai

what's wrong?

these few days, i have experienced severe headache and chestpain.

kepala berdenyut kemain. sakitnya.. tak boleh nak describe. eyes get blurry, mata cam berpinar-pinar for no apparent reason. and it happen only to the left side of the kepala.

chestpain? sometimes getting worse, sometimes getting better. depends. but still, it hurts so much just at that same point, the right side of the chest.

i wonder why. to go for check-ups is definitely a no. 'cause i've been doing good so far, and the symptoms are just not clear.

how two different person, matters.

Alhamdulillah, just got back from kuching. Family vacation i would say, even terpaksa pegi lambat due to the interview date yang clash dengan tarikh keramat itu. Tak keramat sangat ahhh kalau hari interview tu dah gelabah semacam, hek eleh. Boleh pulak buat malu depan pegawai, pegi silap bawak fail sape suruh -_-'

But this post is not about interview.

This post, is about how two different person, matters. Ecewah, kelas kau tajuk, haha

The last day was the most hectic. Separuh hari pegi serikin, shopping, walked for about 3kms, pegi balik pegi balik. Then rush back untuk packing. At 3 kena keluar dah dari accom, pukul 4 kena hantar kereta. And flight delay sampai pukul 8. and we were like.. delay? hmmm

Takpela. Pegi je airport, we decided to bag-drop, so that tak payah usung beg merata. There were 2 families; my family and Mak Ngah's family. We went to 2 different counters, and all went well so far. Sampai la at this one time, this female officer cakap dekat my family, "Oh, family cik tak dapat check-in lagi nih, this is too early, flight cik delay."

And i turned to the other family, they were doing their check-ins!

So i straightaway told her, "But that family boleh je? Diorang pun pegi penang jugak. What's the difference? Why we can't drop the bags yet?"

She replied, "Oh, sebab tu counter lain cik. Saya taknak susah susah."

And i was like... speechless to hear such reply!

Untuk mengelakkan sebarang kejadian yang tak dihingini, i decided maybe we should just pegi dekat this one corner, unpack the things (sebab exceed jugak waktu timbang) and just.. calm down.

A few minutes later, family Makngah pun datang. They asked, why can't we go check-ins yet? After explaining the situation in the most 'polite' way i can think of, they suggested for us to go to the counter yang diorang pegi.

Dan layanan this officer sangat tiptop!

Kitorang siap unpack depan counter, tanya macam macam pasal flight, and he even explained about claiming insurance untuk flight delay!

I can't help but to stress the 'so much' when i thanked him. "Thank you SO MUCH, SO MUCH!" for the differences that you've brought, officer. Hensem, boleh tahan ahhh. But the thing that you did, it was beyond awesome. Kalau semua orang dalam dunia boleh berkerja tiptop ceni, aman damai sejahtera sentiasa. Takdenye orang nak kata, "Eh, syarikat penerbangan A tu kerek ahhh! Service ntahpape! Dahla selalu delay, harap je the best low-cost airline, ever! Eh sape makan cili terasa pedas, uhuk uhuk"

Now, let's put this case to how we see Islam. Bayangkan, these two officers, dalam syarikat penerbangan yang bernama Islam airlines. The way they portray their own self sebagai the airlines' ambassador, how they interact with other people, etc. Can you see how two different person, matters?

I have seen those, and I realize, how small things like this can affect the big things, really. Fikir fikirkan, dan selamat beramal!

more happy thoughts coming in :)

maybe it's time.

to move on :)

too much emotions, too much feelings in this space lately. it's not that i can't really get over all the problems. no.

the thing is, i'm the one who choose to think, and think and think, again and again.

overthinking orang tua tua cakap.

so, here's one of options i can think of; a new blog where nobody can find me :p

well, obviously i'm not that kind of person who really tells the whole world everything - the problems, etc. it's just, i feel there's a need for me to write it somewhere, to let go the negative thoughts and feelings.

i do believe, Allah is the best listener, yes, He is :) after all, He stays with me throughout the times - be it waktu susah or senang, He is always there. and thank you for this greatest blessing; for a great reminder that nobody's gonna stay forever, but just You. :)

so, here's to the old, cool blog -
you rocks! i know you always will, sebab ada tuan ceni kan :p i won't forget you, you keep me laughing so hard when i read the older posts, again and again! i never know i was that so-immature-young-teenager-yang-baru-nak-up, sort of :p well, kudos for the great job, not that i won't visit you anymore, definitely no :) maybe i'll still update here, from time to time, we'll see how it goes :p

p/s : let's just keep the happy, exciting updates coming up here, shall we? :) another blog, mungkin for another purpose. heh :p

senyum besaq besaq everyone, you need it so badly! (especially untuk orang orang monday blues hihihi)

sabar, selagi boleh.

people may look at us in different ways, sometimes mungkin the way we never expect them to see.

bila ditanya first impression, most of them may say something that is totally out of your mind.

in my case, yes.


doakan. sebab ada masanya, mungkin orang nampak kita happy, kita senyum.

walhal dalam hati, toksah nak kata.

kerana aku juga punya hati.


the worst is, rasa nak give up tu sama banyak dengan rasa nak fight balik. cuma masih fikir hormat dan sayang. cuma masih ada rasa percaya dengan Tuhan. cuma..

cuma mampu cengeng dan terus cengeng. dua puluh tiga dan masih?

ya, dua puluh tiga dan masih cengeng. maaf, buang masa baca.

what a day

today.. i just can't describe what i've gone through, today.

a lot.

my day started early today, i went to see the doctor. lepas subuh gerak pegi jetty ayah hantar, dari jetty naik ferry dengan ibu, sampai terus berkejaran mencari bas paling awal untuk ke hospital. kenapa? kerana pasti ramai manusia di hospital kalau lambat tiba. to cut the story short, yes, it went well, smooth, mesra cekap dan betul. mata bengkak after kena titis ubat, dan sepanjang perjalanan pulang (naik bas, naik feri), my vision was blurred. like sangat blurred.

which cause.. headache.

then.. waktu atas feri, got the highlighted news of all; interview dates are out! and me being nervous and couldnt go online, so i asked my other friend to check for me. and it happened to be just right, as what i've expected.

my turn would be on 12th! this coming 12th, which clash dengan tarikh vacation 3 famili ke kuching sarawak dengan tourist guidenya... me.

with all the unsettled things; bookings, places to visit, dengan study untuk interview ke bulan tak sampai sampai pun ilham, headache bertambah teruk. everything's in a great mess. and all i could think of was; why me?

:(

along the way, i couldn't stop but to think. tears, tak payah cakap. i really, really tried my best, untuk tidak merungut. but i failed.

it was then when ibu tiba tiba bersuara.

"Allah takkan uji kalau Dia tak sayang."

automatik, empangan pecah serta merta. (tapi cover dengan shades la yang pasti, less obvious kan)

the rest of the case, let me keep it to myself. just to let you know, kadang kadang kita lupa, kita ni hamba je. dan Allah ada perancangan paling baik untuk mengingatkan kita, siapa hamba siapa Tuan.

"Ujian tu, nak uji kita ada iman atau tak. As simple as that."

a few words just before i leave

i shouldnt be here at the moment, it's almost ten and having the chestpain, i should have gone to bed.



just few words, who knows, this could be the last words.

thank you, and sorry.

for all the things ive done wrong,
for the things i couldnt make it,
for the broken promise/s,
for the useless advice i gave to you,
for the time spent listening to me chatting,
for the headache/s i've given you in dealing with problems,
for almost, every thing, every single thing.

thank you, and again, sorry.

to everyone.

lost

exactly a week sebagai penganggur, i could say my life is boring. as ever.

seminggu tak sentuh langsung laptop, online through phone, do housechores, keluar teman ibu untuk lawatan lawatan sosial beliau, pegi kenduri, just.. name it. and i still feel the emptiness inside me.

lama lama ceni boleh mengundang bahaya. bukan apa, takut takut nanti makin tak ketahuan bila dapat keroje, dengan dah berakaq kat ghumah, dia mula mai perasaan nak duduk bawah ketiak ibu ja. -_-'

lagi haru, bila jumpa orang dah start tanya, "La ni dok buat apa?"

=.='

kadang kadang, penat pikiaq ja. thoughts are everywhere, even dalam bilik ayaq pun boleh dok pikiaq masalah dunia. bila dah getting overwhelmed dengan thoughts tu yang jadi payah. benda tak jadi lagi dah risau macam macam. masalah hat boleh pikiaq esok, dok gaduh pening kepala harini. haru sungguh jadi orang besaq.

to be honest, i'm that kind of person who really needs a booster / boosters to get started on anything. for now, i could feel the low self-motivation in me; i am less productive, i tend to overthink too much, i always overlook the strength within me, cepat rasa penat and feverish, i just need a booster or more.

i am lost in my own thoughts. please find me, thank you.

hold on a little bit, dear self :(

i have been holding on for too long. too long sampai dah rasa biasa, dah get used.

but this time.. no. i can't take it anymore. even if i do, it is just pretending to be all good.



the fact that... i fail to get myself sabar with this :(

oh ya Allah, bantulah hambaMu ini bertahan, sampai minggu depan je. minggu depan je :(

the ending sepatutnya cantik, but for this... i just want to end this so badly. just, this. :'(

an experience i will never forget.

i've been through lots of things, but these two days.. really, really something that i've never thought of.

3rd nov.
sebagai seorang pemandu (yang tak tegar sangat), i drove my friends back to their home after a short meet-up. on my way back, as i was driving very carefully (i must say!), tetiba ter-lalu di satu traffic light yang suka bikin cemas. this traffic light, ada sejarah screeching sound dengan this driver. always, always selalu brek mengejut sebab lampu oren secara mengejutnya appear. and it happened again this time, which led to an emergency brake.

and everything happened so fast that i could hear something's crashing at the back of my car. i could feel the car is moving ke depan sikit, macam spring tahu? my face went pale, i didn't really know what to say, just istighfars.

a few seconds after that, through my side mirror, i could see another car bumped into the car behind. and the impact was even worse! i could see the penutup enjin went remuk, sangat teruk, and i was like... speechless! oh maiii, what have i done this time?!? dengan duit makan tinggal rm30, and that's all i had for the rest of the week, i just couldn't think straight.

when i got to see the two drivers keluar and had a look at their cars, i tried to remain calm. "Okay, pegi setel cepat cepat, it's not your fault, you're doing it right. Lampu oren memang patut get ready to stop, you just did the right thing, Qistina."

I talked to them about what really happened, and alhamdulillah, it took just few minutes to get things settled. my car looked okay, no scratch, nothing, it looked perfectly good as ever. so, i went home, with a mixed feeling, obviously shaking throughout the driving. post-trauma i would say, i was like di awang awangan, people talked to me, but i couldn't respond appropriately as my mind still wandered thinking about the incident.

that night, i drove my friend to the masjid. and the car made sound, weird sound that was really, really disturbing. :( so we checked the condition of the car, and we found out that the back bumper termasuk dalam and sangat sangat dekat dengan tayar. could be the impact after the crash.

kepala serabut balik. i didn't mind if i've got the money, seriously.. but having zero knowledge about cars, i didn't know what to expect then. alhamdulillah, a friend of mine ada cousin yang pandai baiki kereta, so straightaway we went to him.

mungkin Allah nak permudah segalanya, it went well after that. kereta dapat dibaiki, and the cost was less than rm 50.

the trauma is still there, mungkin tak seteruk pas accident, but yes. i can still remember the feelings, and betapa terketar ketarnya the whole body right after the accident.

teringat this one quote. "In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed."

:(

bawah.

makin nak habis final year, makin pemalas.

the motivation to start writing my academic reflection, is just not there. yet.

i don't know what keeps me procrastinate. too many things in ma head, too many things to be done, yet so little time left. and i'm still here, buang masa dengan blog yang hanya menanti masa.

i'm losing ma grip.




a booster is all i need at the moment.

just 2 minutes.

alhamdulillah, last week marked the end of my practicum. :)

happy yet sad, indeed it was a great experience to be in school for that 3 months. how time flies!

so now, i'm left with (plus minus) one month. inshaAllah, will be back for good this coming 18th, teheee!

in the meantime, will be quite busy with lots and lots of event coming, dinner sampai dua kena attend, camping BIG wajib final year, series of meetings with the lecturers and course coordinator, well. i guess one month tu macam a blink of eye je nanti.

whatever it is, final year cuma tinggal the final month. and then i'll be free, free like a bird! eh bukan, free like a penganggur should it be :p

plus, keep the positive you everyday, qistina. why? lately nih pegi kedai je, "Terima kasih KAK, nanti datang lagi ye." tak pun, "KAK nak order ape?" mungkin dah ada kedut kedut stress kot kat muka. dah hilang seri awet (awek) muda dah :(

till then, more updates coming soon! (ecececey macam ada orang baca blog picisan ceniii, booo!)

take care pepol, all good inshaAllah :)

uji.

tak tau nak cakap nak rasa apa sekarang.

rasa macam sedang diuji dengan tahap paling hebat pernah dapat seumur hidup 22 tahun ni.

pernah tak rasa, macam tak tau nak describe apa apa pun? at one point, i just want to give up life, just that. and i mean it very well now. i just.. don't care.



rasa penat sangat. dealing with emotions, dengan nak fikirnya lagi. too many things going on. and when this happens, the only thing i could think of is home. :(

tahan sikit je lagi, qistina :(